


loveless

by yoongiinthecity



Category: Monsta X (Band), Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cafes, Chan and Wonho are Brothers, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pining, Sexual Content, Shameless cameos from other Kpop idols, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, communication is key, endgame minchan, this is so multifandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23474584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoongiinthecity/pseuds/yoongiinthecity
Summary: “You’re better in person than how Chan portrays you to be,” Hoseok said.“It sounds as if he describes me in an unflattering way,” Jamie asked narrowing her eyes at Chan.“Oh not at all. He made it seem you were like a goddess walking on the plain surfaces of the earth.” Chan groaned and dramatically hit his head on the table, making sure to show his distaste with the whole situation.“And I quote, 'Her eyes just sparkles when it hits the right light and you can’t help but stare as if you’re gazing upon the sun itself.’” Hoseok said all this with barely contained laughter.“That is not true!” Chan objected. “I’m sorry, I think what I told you was that she’s a cool person and very different from the rest of the people I’ve met before. I guess it just got lost in translation.”Jamie only seemed amused. “That is so sweet Chan,” she smiled. “You really think that about my eyes?”or in which Chan is in love with his close friend Jamie but he believes in love too much.07/11/20 EDIT: This story has been edited to accommodate new pairing.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Bang Chan & Park Jimin | Jamie (15&), Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Park Jimin | Jamie (15&), Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Park Jimin | Jamie (15&)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	1. part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited.

|||

He met her in his Spanish class. Up until then he didn’t really believe in love at first sight. It sounded really cheesy and left so much room for doubt, but the moment he noticed her sitting on the front row in the classroom he didn’t know what to think besides the fact that she was really pretty, and that he had spent the rest of class alternating between her and the professor. He was sure he missed a lot of important vocabulary and a lot of notes, but he was sure that that was the start. He was hooked like a fish caught in a line, feeling the pull and no matter how much he struggled out there was little choice but to just give in.

She wasn’t even the kind of beautiful that guaranteed normal people to stop on their tracks and just stare. Truly, the concept of the beautiful was subjective and relative, and he knew all of that shit after taking a whole course on Aesthetics. She wasn’t as hot as Keira Knightley, or that senior, Hyejin Ahn, whom he had the pleasure of meeting at a party. She wasn’t what people would deem conventionally pretty (and fuck social norms of beauty, really): she didn’t have that hour-glass figure, or the symmetrical face. But she had charisma, and she was just _her._ So uniquely her that it was probably what had caught his attention in the first place (well—that, and the fact that she was new in school).

He had seen her in full color—literally and figuratively since she came inside the classroom with her hair dyed the brightest blue and with sunshine-themed clothes, both complementing each other in the most eye-catching way. He loved how she was confident wearing that mustard crop top, and strutted on her way to an empty seat a few rows in front of him.

He didn’t really mean to, but he had spent some time staring at her and the way she carried herself whenever he saw her in class and around school. He loved that she wore what she liked, loved how her cheeks were rounder every time she laughed or smiled. He loved that she was as confident in speech as she was in fashion: sassing her way through conversations and wayward fat-shaming comments thrown at her, not caring of whether or not she was talking to someone older than her, and overall outspoken about anything interesting she found. He loved the slight English accent that made its appearance once in a while when she spoke, loved that she would unconsciously switch languages from Korean, English, Thai and even Spanish. He loved that she was passionate about music. And he definitely loved how she welcomed him as friend when he finally had enough courage to talk to her. In his eyes, she was perfect. He knew that the concept of perfection was another subjective thing, but he believed that if perfection had forms, Jamie Park would be one of them.

Granted that he knew so little about Jamie, despite the fact already being friends with her, he had let himself fall blindly for this girl. That was the thing about falling in love at first sight. He had just been willing to love her no matter how unexpected she might turn out to be. And Chan couldn’t really tell if falling in love with her was either the best or the worst thing that was going to happen to him, but he also honestly couldn’t really care. Love was such a beautiful feeling, and Chan considered himself lucky every time he got the chance to fall in love since he was a firm believer that it was one of the nearest magical things that someone could experience.

Chan had had fallen in love before, and although he had his fair share of heartbreaks that didn’t stop him from jumping heads first every single time he finds himself falling in love. It wasn’t because he was desperate to find someone to love and someone to love him back, he had—according to his older brother—too much love to give, and that Hoseok had learned to always be wary every time Chan came home sporting those dazed and happy expressions that came in the first stages of falling in love. Chan did have the habit of losing himself in times when he was too focused or was currently one-track minded.

So when Chan sported that same dazed look when he had stepped into the café his brother worked at that day he had seen Jamie for the first time, Hoseok, already familiar with his brother’s expressions and tells, couldn’t help ask who it was this time. Chan told him because he had never been ashamed of the times he had loved and failed, and also because Hoseok never judged him for it and only told him to be careful. Chan had always been carefree in giving pieces of himself to people, and that was why he had so many friends and only so few who actually stuck around. But he had to give it to Chan who remained optimistic despite of it all.

“What are you going to do about it?” Hoseok asked as he came back with Chan’s refill.

Chan had only smiled wider. “Well, I’m going to be her friend. I want to get to know her.”

“And?” Hoseok prompted. His younger brother just chuckled as he took a sip of coffee.

“Just one step at a time, brother,” was his only reply before he took out his laptop to start working on some school work. “Now, déjame trabajar en paz.”

Hoseok had rolled his eyes, “Don’t think for a second that just because you’re learning a foreign language that it’ll make you look cooler.”

“I beg to differ; don’t you know that Spanish is one of the sexiest and most romantic languages in the world?” Chan had said, looking scandalized that his brother didn’t know that.

“And is that how you’re planning on wooing your crush?” Hoseok chuckled. “Talk to her in Spanish until she gives in?”

Chan glared at his brother, and shooed him away. “You have a business to run, haven’t you?”

Hoseok threw his hands in the air in surrender. “Fine. Let me know if you need anything,” he said, finally walking away from the table his brother was sat in.

**|||**

Their shared class ended a few minutes early, and Chan could almost kiss their professor in gratitude. He hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast and he was sure he was going to keel in hunger if he didn’t get anything into his stomach in the next hour. He rushed towards the front of the class just to catch up with Jamie who was already about to step out from the classroom. They had already been friends for a few months now and Chan was just amazed at how she managed to make things new and exciting.

“Hey,” he greeted. Jamie smiled at him. She had her hair in space buns today, and wore another striped crop top.

“Hey, Channie,” she greeted back.

“Do you have anything to do after school?” he asked as they both walked out from the classroom. He knew that Jamie didn’t have any more classes that day and was eager to take advantage of their free time together.

She shook her head and pouted. “Fortunately for you, I don’t. Jae cancelled on me last minute. Said he had ‘to go see about a boy.’” She said the last sentence with air quotes and an eye roll. “Like I get that he’s in love and all that, but couldn’t he have scheduled his wooing attempts when we don’t have prior agreements to meet up?”

Chan smiled. “Well you know what they say, all is far in love and war. You can’t really deny an opportunity when it makes its appearance.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Of course, I forget that you’re one of the romantics.”

Chan laughed. “Sorry to hear that anyway.” Not really, this was an opportunity and he wasn’t going to just ignore it. “You game to eat out? I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast.”

“Oh my God,” she gasped, looking baffled. “How are you still alive?”

“Granola bars in between. Trust me to take back-to-back classes without thinking of the consequences.”

“You poor fool,” she tutted with a shake of the head. “Okay, let’s go. I am feeling snacky. Do you have any recommendations?”

She was already sliding the books and pens she carried inside her tote bag. “Oh my God, I know this café near campus, and I can say that the food is heavenly, but the staff is just--” she paused to articulate a chef’s kiss.

“Like they have good manners?” Chan asked.

“No, although they really are, they are just too gorgeous to look at,” she said, feigning a swooning look. “I mean you don’t care about genders anyway, but I know you can appreciate beauty when it’s there.”

“Didn't really think you were someone who judged a book by their cover,” Chan teased.

"Oh please, I'm not one to deny myself when I see someone I think is cute. I mean honestly, it's like I entered some sort of butler café where everyone just turns to me, smiles and showers me with all attention I want. It's honestly feeding a kink I didn't know I had.” Jamie looks a bit contemplative when she said it.

Chan raised an eyebrow. “A butler kink? Really?”

“Don’t kink-shame me, Bang Chan.”

He raised his hands in surrender. “Hey, you do you. As long as it’s not borderline illegal, I’m not one to judge.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “Although you _can’t_ tell me you don’t at least find men in suits attractive.”

“I didn’t say that. And to be quite honest I think everyone has a thing for men in suits. _Anyone_ in suits, in general.”

“I’d love to see you in a suit,” Jamie teased. “I bet you’ll look ten times prettier with a sleek black suit.”

“So you’re saying I’m already pretty?” Chan wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“Oh please, anyone with eyes can see you’re hot as fuck, Chan. And you’re adorable when you want to be,” she cooed, pinching his cheek with her free hand.

“Well I don’t want to be,” Chan pouted as he swatted her hand away from his face. It didn’t really help his case since he looks infinitely cuter when he pouts, He didn’t really want Jamie to think him cute and adorable as if he was a puppy up for adoption or a child eating a lemon. He wanted her to think him cute as in _cute_ , which was ridiculous because he doesn’t remember feeling this desperate for anybody.

Jamie just laughed. “It’s part of you. Embrace your inner aegyo!” Chan just shook his head at her as she linked their arms together and proceeded to lead him to the said café she was boasting about. He was wearing one of his black hoodies—which Jamie had noticed was a dominant part of his closet and had proceeded to tease him about—and even though his skin was covered, he was conscious about how warm her skin felt against the fabric of his clothes. He let her talk about the latest syllabus revision their professor had made ‘last minute’, the happenings with the school radio station where she had decided to join, and about Jae’s recent love life. She sounded annoyed at it, but Chan knew she was actually happy for Jae.

It was only when they were crossing the street when Chan realized how familiar their route was. It had been easy then to put two and two together and realize the situation that he was in. Of course, Jamie would mean the same café that Hoseok was working at. Jamie had probably noticed that he had suddenly tensed up and she shot him a questioning look as they walked nearer and nearer the café. Chan could already see the sign and many plants that Hoseok insisted on having around the café premises.

“You okay?” she asked, pausing at her story about Eric mispronouncing something during a live broadcast.

“Uhh, yeah,” Chan said. “Are we going to Shin’s?”

Jamie smiled. “Yeah, why? You know it?” Chan had mentioned his brother once or twice in conversations with Jamie, but he hadn’t told her about the café, which was surprising on Chan’s part since he always took the chance to boast about his brother’s café.

“Yeah… my brother owns it.”

Her smile turned mischievous. She held onto his arm and walked faster towards their destination. “You’re getting me a discount,” she said and Chan could only follow.

Shit though, Hoseok was so not going to let this experience be easy.  


**|||**

Chan and Hoseok were close despite the fact that they were half-brothers who didn’t know of each other’s existence until Chan was six and Hoseok was ten. It had been awkward at first: Chan was hiding behind his aunt’s skirt after he was suddenly whisked away to go live with people he didn’t know. But Hoseok was kind and patient. He had tried to include Chan in everything and made sure his new baby brother felt comfortable in his new home.

Chan eventually warmed up to the new environment and didn’t take long before he was the one willingly seeking his brother out and even becoming less and less shy around Hoseok’s mother. After all, despite not being related to her she had been willing in taking him in after Chan’s father died.

He honestly owed a lot to Hoseok, but that didn’t mean he should be giving away his sanity and pride as his older brother shamelessly teased him the moment Hoseok realized who Chan was with the moment they stepped in the café.

“Welcome to Café Shin! Table for two?” Hoseok wiggled his eyebrows at them. “Would you like a more private area for your date?”

Chan flicked him off. “Fuck off, Hoseok.”

“Oh no please don’t,” Jamie pouted. “Chan don’t be rude.”

“Yeah Chan, don’t be rude,” Hoseok smiled mischievously.

Jamie laughed, stepping away from Chan’s side. “Hi, I’m Jamie,” she said, extending a hand. “I’ve been here a few times, and Chan is incredibly rude for not introducing us earlier.”

Hoseok chuckled and Chan just sighed at the whole situation. “Yeah I recognize you. I’m Hoseok, I own the café and the older brother Chan never talks about.” Chan opened his mouth to protest.

“Such a shame,” Jamie shook her head at Chan.

“Can you guys not start ganging up on me?” He glared at the both of them.

Hoseok laughed at his younger brother, finally giving Chan some reprieve, and put on his customer service smile. “Fine, we’re a bit understaffed today so you guys go on and take a seat wherever, I’ll be with you in a while.”

Jamie thanked him and pulled Chan towards a table near the display window. Chan watched as she assessed every pastry, her eyes narrowed and a look of deep contemplation fell over her face as if the decision was going to determine the fate of the world.

“I haven’t tasted everything yet, but I have tried the danishes and I am in love. Does your brother bake them?” Jamie asked, not taking her eyes off the display.

“Yeah. But sometimes he lets Felix or Jin do it,” Chan replied, thinking about how adorable Jamie looked when it came to assessing food.

“You sure you guys aren’t twins? The resemblance is a bit uncanny,” Jamie said, finally looking away from the pastries.

Chan chuckled. “Yeah, we’ve been told. We look a lot like our dad.”

“But you don’t bake?” Jamie asked, a bit of teasing edging her tone.

“No I don’t,” Chan replied. “I can cook, but baking is beyond me. Hoseok has given up trying to remedy that.”

She laughed. Jamie leaned forward, a hand on her chin. “He seems nice. Definitely more adorable than you are.”

Hoseok comes just in time to take their orders. He smiled charmingly at Jamie evidently hearing what she just said.

“Why thank you Jamie. I appreciate that,” Hoseok said. “Are you having the same one as the last time?” he asked Jamie.

“You remember what I had last time?” Jamie asked, quite confused and surprised.

Hoseok laughed. “It’s not very hard to remember. I guess you can say you just stuck out.” He looks at Chan when he said the last part. “But I can hand you a menu or recommend a different thing if you want something new.”

Jamie smiled, “oh no thank you. I’ll have the danishes as last time.”

“Okay, sencha?” She nods.

Hoseok left them there with a short ruffle to Chan’s hair, much to his chagrin. He came back with their orders: Jamie’s danishes and tea, and Chan’s usual iced coffee and a sandwich; and an additional slice of blueberry cheesecake and strawberry shortcake. Chan eyes his brother who just shrugs innocently at them. “Don’t worry, it’s on the house.”

Jamie then invited him over, seeing that there weren’t much people in the café.

Chan didn’t mind it, he had expected he would. He had intended Hoseok to meet Jamie at some point, but this meeting wasn’t so bad either. He liked the idea of having his two most favorite people sitting together and talking about nothing and everything. If he was serious about this girl, he would definitely need Hoseok’s opinion on her because honestly, it was a big deal that Hoseok liked her and he could only hope his older brother saw how beautiful Jamie was.

“You’re better in person than how Chan portrays you to be,” Hoseok said as he took their dishes away. The pot of sencha that Jamie ordered was still half-drank.

“You talk to your brother about me?” Jamie asked narrowing her eyes at Chan, but a glimmer of mischief evident on the way she looked at her friend. “It sounds as if he describes me in an unflattering way.”

“Oh, not at all,” Hoseok said, balancing his tray with one hand. “He made it seem you were like a goddess walking on the plain surfaces of the earth.” Chan groaned and dramatically hit his head on the table, making sure to show his distaste with the whole situation.

“And I quote,” Hoseok placed the tray back on their table as he took a step backward for emphasis. “’Her eyes just sparkle when it hits the right light and you can’t help but stare as if you’re gazing upon the sun itself.’” Hoseok said all this with barely contained laughter.

“That is not true!” Chan objected. “I’m sorry, I think what I told you was that she’s a cool person and very different from the rest of the people I’ve met before. I guess it just got lost in translation, and I'm not entirely sure how that could happen when it's so far off.”

Jamie only seemed amused as she munched on the bits of rice floating on her tea. “That is so sweet Chan,” she smiled, laughing along with Hoseok who almost dropped his tray from laughing so hard. “You really think that about my eyes?”

Chan groaned again as drank the rest of his coffee just to have something to do. “Like I said, I didn’t say anything about your eyes. Hoseok, go back to your job, please.”

Hoseok just waved his hand in the air as he proceeded to walk over the door leading to the kitchen.

Jamie was still smiling. “Whether or not you actually think that about my eyes, it’s sweet that you think I’m cool.”

  
**|||**

Jamie was very beautiful. Chan couldn’t understand how attractive she was and how he was falling deeper and deeper with this girl he’s only gotten to know for just a time. He couldn’t help noticing the little things she did, and he took them all as if the small drops of information could satisfy his thirst to just know everything about her. It was painfully happy just to see her, to talk to her, just being in her presence, and at this point Chan couldn’t believe how far he was gone for her.

Hoseok didn’t do shit about it either, besides just tease him endlessly and ask him when Jamie was coming back to the café. As thankful as Chan was that Hoseok liked her, he wasn’t really warming up to the possibility of being ganged up on, as many encounters have already made it evident that it may be so if things were to progress than they were.

His brother did ask him if he’s asked Jamie out yet, and Chan had to wonder how and when he’d do it. There never seemed to be the right to do it, and that’s exactly what he told his brother who replied with a raised eyebrow and silence. He’d work on it. He just had to know if he was on the same page with Jamie first of all.

“Chan,” she clicked her fingers on his face to get his attention. He didn’t realize he was spacing out and he smiled at her as an apology. “What are you thinking? Did you get lost in all these conjugations?” she was flipping her index cards on said conjugations. They were in the café, nibbling on chocolate cookies and sipping on black peach tea while studying for an oral exam in their Spanish class. (Chan had exchanged a few mugs of coffee for a few cups of tea on some of the times they were in the café. And he certainly did not want to start talking about how Hoseok teased him at home by asking him if he should start buying tea for the apartment.)

“Well, it was easier when it was just the present tenses,” Chan shrugged as he tried to refocus his attention to his own notes. “Also, there’s a questionable stain on your face,” Chan said, barely keeping a smile as he motioned to some chocolate stuck on the side of her mouth. The whole situation was ridiculous and Chan refused to take part on a horrible cliché.

Thankfully Jamie was a practical person and grabbed her phone to look at her own face. She pouted as she wiped it off before throwing the used tissue at Chan. “And you didn’t say anything? How long was it on my face?” she asked, checking her reflection again. “You’re an ass,” she added with a slight kick to his shin under the table.

Chan just laughed as he placed the balled-up tissue near the paper wrap that came with the straw. (Hoseok still served him an Iced Americano whether Chan liked it or not.) “You had that intense focused expression on your face, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

She threw another tissue ball at him. “I can’t believe it, that was your chance to do something romantic, like wipe it off my face like those handsome stars on the dramas. You’re hopeless. You’re never getting into a relationship at this rate!”

“And why would that matter to you? What if I enjoy being single?” And that was highly rhetorical because Chan suddenly had the impulse to ask her out on a date right there and then. He could imagine it, taking her to an amusement park, a gallery, or just spending the day together spontaneously. He could imagine holding her hand as they walked to places, could imagine kissing her on the cheek in greeting, pulling her close when they’re watching a firework display or the sunset. He couldn’t wait to see how she’d look flustered around him when he does something romantic because he wants to know if he could be able to make her feel flustered in the first place. He could imagine a whole lifetime with her in those minutes.

She clicked her fingers on his face again, a look of annoyance evident on her face. Chan smiled sheepishly at her and colored a bit realizing he was caught daydreaming about her.

Something caught Jamie’s attention behind him and she smirked. She’s been doing that a few times now today and Chan wondered what it was. She was leaning closer, and motioning for him to come close enough for her to whisper. Flash cards forgotten on top of the open textbook. “Okay, so don’t be too obvious now, but I have happened to notice that that one cute waiter can’t stop looking at you.”

Chan was confused for a moment until she gestured with her chin for him to look behind. Chan discreetly turned his head around to see the waiter in question. The man was standing next to the display, placing small plates of cake slices on the glass shelves with ease, a solemn look on his face. There was a grace to the way he did it, and Chan found himself assessing him. Without warning, the waiter’s eyes flicked towards Chan’s table and immediately meeting his own. Chan blushed in getting caught staring but he didn’t look away. Not yet.

He was knowledgeable about the people who worked in his brother’s café. It wasn’t a responsibility, per se, but he liked to know that kind of people his brother worked with. And this man, he had never seen before. Wide eyes held his stare for what felt like hours and then the unexpected happened, the man smiled at him: eyes slightly turning into half-moons and cheeks dusting pink. It took him a while to realize he was smirking at him. Chan finally panicked and looked away, facing his homework once again.

He could hear Jamie trying to stifle her laughter as Chan fiddled with the papers on his side of the table. He glared at her. “Shut up,” was all Chan could say as Jamie cooed at his embarrassment. He fought the urge to look around again to see if the waiter was still there, but he steeled himself.

It didn’t take very long to forget the encounter since they had started quizzing each other and quickly getting lost in it.

  
**|||**

The exam he had just taken for a major music production course had drained all of Chan’s energy, and with it all his will to do anything. All he had the will to do was to eat ramen with his brother and sleep the weekend away. He massaged his wrist and his fingers after coming out of the classroom. He had never thought taking a music production class would entail essay type questions regarding history and all that shit, but they definitely weren’t a joke. He had to use three sheets of papers—back to back—just to barely finish the whole thing. Professor June was definitely not taking any shit from his students this year.

It’s a good thing though, that there was still that required end-of-the-year project to look forward to. He’ll just do his best there.

He was due to meet his brother at the café. After majoring in business during his university years, Hoseok had finally accomplished his mother’s dreams of having her own restaurant by doing it himself and naming it after her.

Hoseok was waiting at the café. After majoring in business in his university years, Hoseok finally accomplished his mother’s dreams of having her own restaurant by doing it himself and naming it after her. Chan admired that about his brother and he was proud to be able to call him as such. Everything he’s ever done, Hoseok has always done for the family especially for his mother and for Chan.

He felt a hand slap down his shoulder on his way outside campus. He turned to see Changkyun, one of his older friends who also took the same major. Changkyun looked as exhausted as he did.

“Hey man,” Chan greeted.

“Please tell me you’re free,” Changkyun said, his speech lazier than usual.

“I’m about to meet Hoseok actually. We’re going to get ramen, wanna come with? I’m sure he won’t mind,” Chan said letting the older boy lean against him as they started walking out of campus. Changkyun groaned in the affirmative. “You okay there?” Chan asked as he balanced his friend’s awkward footing.

“I’ve been up for almost four days, surviving on nothing but coffee and granola bars, just to study for three exams that are held consecutively in three days. I wanna die,” Changkyun said nonchalantly.

“Shit man, how are you still functioning?”

“On sheer determination…and the coffee. Definitely the coffee.”

Chan patted his friend’s back in sympathy. He definitely had his fair share of all-nighters but he had the fortune of having his exams scheduled scattered within the week. Changkyun looked like he needed a break and he immediately asked his brother if Changkyun could tag along just because. He also knew Hoseok and Changkyun hadn’t seen each other in a while, being busy in their respective lives and that they wouldn’t pass an opportunity to hang out. Unsurprisingly, Hoseok was on board with bringing Changkyun along. He received another message almost immediately after that one.

_**HOSEOK** _ _: Jamie’s here. Cool if I invite her for ramen too?_

Chan smiled. Of course it was okay. He may be tired but he was always game to hanging out with friends after a stressful two hours. He didn’t try to hide his excitement over his text to his brother. It was futile at this point to try to hide how whipped he was from his brother.

He pocketed his phone and turned towards Changkyun who he caught yawning.

“Hey Kyun, you know Jamie Park, don’t you?” Chan asked, noting how his companion stood straighter in posture and balance than he was a few minutes ago.

Changkyun looked like he thought over it for a while. “Purple hair, nose piercing, and dresses like a rainbow?”

Chan laughed at the description. “Yeah, that’s the one. She’ll be coming with for ramen.”

Changkyun hummed. “Didn’t know you were friends. She hangs out a lot with Jae’s group.” He shrugged. “Then again it’s not my business who hangs out with whom. I had a general elective with her last semester. She definitely had no patience for the freeloaders of the group,” he lets out a small laugh.

“Did she go all…Jamie?” Chan asked, smiling.

Changkyun laughed. “Yeah she did. She’s something, isn’t she?”

Chan chuckled. “Yeah. But she’s nice, beyond all that sass.”

Changkyun shrugged again. “We did talk once or twice. Though it was to talk shit on our group mates who wouldn’t do the work. She knows her movies, I have to give her that.” The older boy stretched, hands reaching towards the sky as he slowly came out of the blurry haze of post-exam blues.

“How’s Hoseok doing?” he asked, sliding his hands into his pockets. Chan had met Changkyun through Hoseok years ago when his older brother was in his final year in university and Chan was still a senior in high school. Changkyun was in the middle of transferring universities and Hoseok had offered their guest room for him to stay. Chan had learned that Hoseok and Changkyun had produced music together for a short while in high school until Hoseok graduated.

Although Changkyun acted all nonchalant and unapproachable at times, it was easy to be friends with him, not just because Chan had Hoseok acting as a buffer but it was also because they helped each other out in some production projects and even went and performed on some underground rap events when they could.

“He’s doing fine. The café’s been doing well too. You should come by—the apartment or the café, Hoseok would love to see a friend.” Chan offered. He was aware that because of the hours his brother took on in the café, he barely set time for himself to meet up with friends or meet new people. Hoseok probably didn’t want to admit it, but Chan suspected he was getting lonely.

They were nearing the café and Chan could already see Jamie through the shop window. She was seated at their usual table with Hoseok animatedly talking about something. It was probably about food again.

“Oh Jamie cut her hair,” Changkyun commented, also having seen Jamie through the window. He honestly wasn’t really surprised that Changkyun knew Jamie. Despite his quiet demeanor, Changkyun had the ability to memorize and recognize names and faces. He knew a lot of people, not just because he’s met them all but because he was that one friend which had mutual friends with in every friend group Chan had. Changkyun though, as Chan came to understand one night at a sorority’s party, he was a whole ball of fun in himself he wanted to.

He just pulled the shop door open and let themselves in.

  
**|||**

Jamie had apparently stayed over closing time with Hoseok as they waited for Chan and Changkyun. Jamie was already snacking on some oatmeal cookies and Hoseok was just sitting from across her, enjoying a cup of whatever drink he had prepared for himself.

“Channie!” Jamie greeted, jumping from her seat. “These cookies are awesome.” How she said it with a deadpanned face, he couldn’t explain, but he was happier than reasonable for her greeting him the way that she did. She extended her hand which held the cookie for him, and Chan took a tentative bite.

“Minho baked them earlier for me to try,” Hoseok said. “He’s the new part-timer,” he explained, looking at Chan. Jamie excitedly slapped Chan on the arm, she was squealing in delight.

“Yeah, _he’s_ the cute waiter that was eyeing you up the other day,” Jamie added, breaking the cookie she held in half to give to Chan.

“Oh?” Hoseok perked up at the new information, perhaps already thinking of other ways to tease his younger brother. “Minho has? Look at you attracting people from everywhere.”

Chan rolled his eyes and pulled Changkyun closer towards the group. He was eyeing the display window too. “Changkyun’s here! He’s coming with us for ramen,” he redirected.

At the sound of his name, Changkyun tore his eyes away from the pastries and smiled, meeting Hoseok’s hug halfway. “Hi,” he said, earning a hair ruffle from Hoseok.

“And hello to you too,” Hoseok smiled. “Where’d Chan pick you up from?”

“Class. We just had that exam,” Changkyun said. “Are those oatmeal cookies?” he asked, meeting Jamie’s eyes.

“Yes, and they’re awesome!” Jamie said, already pushing the plate towards Changkyun, He grabbed a cookie and took a bite.

“Oh, yeah, they are.”

“Right?!” Jamie exclaimed. “They’re just the right texture and it isn’t too overwhelming.”

“Where do I get a ‘Minho’?” Changkyun asked seemingly genuine in consideration.  
Hoseok laughed. “You can come by the café when it’s open, for now, let’s go get that ramen.”

Chan noticed how easy Jamie and Changkyun fell into conversation. He didn’t mind it. He didn’t even notice it when en route to Hoseok’s favorite ramen place, Jamie and Changkyun fell behind him and his brother. It was like they were friends who reunited after some time not being able to see each other.

“So Minho huh?” Hoseok teased as he slid his hands into his pockets.

Chan blushed. “Says you. You do know that the majority of your customers aren't there just because of the pastries?” Chan pointed out. “You have no idea how much comments I’ve overheard about your particular limbs wrapped around different parts of their bodies. It’s disgusting and very very disturbing.”

Hoseok laughed and explained that it was part of business tactics and strategies.

“I doubt wearing a tank top to work is a sanitary strategy, to be honest,” Chan said, causing another laugh from his older brother.

Dinner was nice. Interesting topics were brought up courtesy of Changkyun who surprisingly had so much to say about the weirdest things. It slightly got a bit heated up when Changkyun and Jamie got into an intellectual debate regarding misinterpretations on a thinker Chan had never heard of before. Hoseok just looked amused before he had to slow things down before things got more intense. (Changkyun and Jamie just laughed when Hoseok intervened, and easily fell into another conversation about a movie Chan hadn't seen.)

Jamie never backed down from a fight or an argument, and Chan realized how smart Changkyun actually is.

It wasn’t awkward after that, and everyone just enjoyed the rest of the evening especially when Chan mentioned that there was another underground event happening soon.

“Changbin and Jisung will be there,” Chan said, assessing the interest in everyone’s expressions.

“Will Yoongi be there too? He hasn’t performed in a while, has he?” Hoseok asked.

“Yep, and I heard Namjoon will be too,” Changkyun said. “This is going to be literal fire.”

It was cold when they got out of the restaurant. Jamie quickly clung to Chan’s arm for warmth. She was rarely clingy but Chan didn’t mind at all. His and Hoseok’s apartment was close to the ramen place, and they hang out on the front of the restaurant to see how the rest were going to go home. It was pretty late and they still had classes tomorrow.

“Hosoek would drive you guys home, except he doesn’t have a car,” Chan said, chuckling. Hoseok just shook his head at his younger brother.

“I’ll accept taxi money,” Changkyun said. “Don’t worry about it though, my place isn’t far from here either,” he added. “How ‘bout you James?” He looked at Jamie who was buttoning up her jacket. Nicknames already, huh?

“I don’t really live far from here either,” she said. “Where do you stay?” she asked, and Changkyun told her his street. “Oh cool, I live just like a street away.”

“Great then,” Hoseok suddenly appeared and Chan realized his brother _had_ suddenly disappeared, only to resurface with a cab already waiting for its passengers. “You guys can go together. You’ll walk her home, won’t you, Changkyun?”

“Do I get more of those cookies?” Changkyun asked as he accepted the cash Hoseok handed him. Hoseok rolled his eyest at him.

“I’m already paying for your taxi, worm.”

“It was worth the shot,” Changkyun shrugged with a smile. “I’ll drop by the café when I can,” he promised.

“Make sure that you do, Kyun,” Hoseok said, inviting Changkyun for a hug. “Chan doesn’t really make great company.”

“Haha,” Chan shook his head. Jamie stepped away from Chan’s warmth. “We’ll get going then, thank you for dinner, Hoseok-oppa,” she said, bowing slightly. “See you tomorrow?” she looked at Chan.

“You bet,” he bid with a two-finger salute.

“After you my lady,” Changkyun opened the door to the back seat and stepped backward to give her space to climb in.

“Why, thank you my lord,” she curtsied before hopping into the cab.

Chan and Hoseok watched as the car drove away.

Hoseok looked at his younger brother. “Did you ask her out yet?”

Chan walked ahead from his brother. “Nope.”


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited.

|||

Chan was studying at the library for a paper he had to write for a philosophy class. He didn’t know why he decided to enroll into so many philosophy classes when he did, but he found it the most fulfilling free electives he’d taken so far.

He was reading about Gadamer’s take on aesthetics when he felt a pair of hands clamp down on his shoulders, and shaking him instantly.

"Hey, you!" a familiar voice greeted.

Chan turned around to see Jamie waving a bag of pastries on front of him.

"Hey," he said, pulling the chair beside him to make room for her. "Anything interesting happen recently?" he asked, noting her chipper mood (well, chipper than usual anyway), and wondering how she was able to smuggle food inside.

"You tell me, did you finally make a move on that Minho dude from the café?" Her paper bag was crinkling so loud when she was rummaging inside only to bring out a croissant. Chan really wondered how no one in library staff came losing their mind and start kicking them out, but he still took a bite from the pastry when she held it out for him.

"No, why would I do that?" Chan asked, closing the book he was currently reading. "I mean, he's hot, but I don't like him."

"Are you serious? Are you listening to yourself? You haven't even tried," Jamie pointed out, chewing on the croissant and all the while looking at him in disbelief.

"Jamie, how'd you even get this in here?" he asked instead, motioning the paper bag containing the croissants.

She was wearing a hoodie which she cut into a crop top with a pair of sweats. Her purple hair was tied in two buns across her scalp, and her eyes crinkled into moons as she happily munched on her pastry.

"It's a secret," she giggled. _Giggled_. "And if I tell you, I would have to kill you. Like literally,” she giggled again and Chan was confused not because he didn’t find anything she said funny or humorous, but just confused at Jamie being slightly out of character.

"Okay, why are you so happy?" he asked, smiling at her because she looked especially pretty at that moment. He mentally patted himself on the back for choosing a table near the window since it showered the girl with sunlight. Now that Chan looked closer, she had a different air around her. "It can't be because of the croissants, Jamie."

"No it's definitely not," she said. "Listen, I don't mean to sound really girly right now, and I really don't want to sound so..." she trailed off with a laugh. "Material, I guess? And I'm telling you and only you, at the moment, because I don't trust Jae, or Eric, or anyone with this information."

While Chan felt happy that she trusted him more than anyone in her friend circle, but there was a sudden feeling of foreboding stewing in his stomach. He brushed it off immediately and thought maybe there was something inside the croissant that his stomach didn't really agree with.

"Okay," he said simply. "You want to actually tell me what it is?"

"Holy crap, why am I so nervous?" she laughed at herself, after a few attempts of opening her mouth and just laughing and slightly turning pink. "Okay, here I go." It took another while for her to compose herself however. She buried her face on her palms as she giggled to herself. Whatever this was made her excitingly...nervous?

"Remember a few days ago we went to eat ramen?" she started, placing both her hands on Chan's knee. "And then afterwards me and Changkyun went home together in a taxi?"

"Yeah?" Perhaps there was nothing in the croissant after all.

"Well when he walked me to my apartment, he kind of asked me out...on a date, just to be clear."

"On a date," Chan repeated, his mind instantly blanking.

"Yep. We went yesterday. He took me to that old cinema house, you know the one that closed down years ago? And he somehow had the whole thing rented out or whatever? And then we had a marathon of all the movies that we discussed during that dinner, and we had lots of snacks."

"Oh wow, really?" Chan automatically replied.

"I haven't been in a date in for so long that I've forgotten how much of a high good dates are. It's so...God, I probably sound like every girl you've ever met."

"No," Chan said, slowly coming to his senses. "Trust me, you don't."

"Well thanks," she smiled, squeezing Chan's knee. "It's... it'll probably wear off or something but I actually didn't see Changkyun that way you know? Even when we were in that same class last semester. I only said yes because he was sweet when he asked, and he definitely knows his movies, and I definitely didn't expect him to be so, well, attractive."

"So I'm guessing a second date is happening soon?"

She nodded and laughed.

Every description of heartbreak that Chan has ever come across always said it was a sharp pain like a stab in the chest, that it was like every sound in the world stopped and you could just hear how your heart shattered into a million pieces, like it was a blurry filter where the only thing you could focus on was this loud and unbearable hurt right in the middle of a picture. For Chan, it felt like a switch. It felt like the light suddenly turned on, and he was faced with reality.

The thing was that he was so deep into the feeling of love, that he made a mistake of believing that it was going to last or that it wasn't going away. He believed that the object of his affections would stay as is, like she was a picture that he could just keep inside the folds of the wallet of his heart.

It was at that moment that he realized how much of an actual fool he was. How could he have fallen in love time and time again, to be intimately knowledgeable of its perils and its beauties, only to let himself fall into the most obvious trap there is to love? He had forgotten about reality and that was what hurt the most.

|||

Chan and Changkyun were hanging out the greener part of the school. It was just outside the library and they were going over a reading for the course they both had. Except they were supposed to be going over another reading, and instead they were exchanging input and creative ideas with some tracks they were producing. The underground event had excited and tickled their creativity which had to be heeded to. Although they weren't going to perform on the said event, it was a good opportunity to meet other producers and rappers, to establish connections, or just go out there in general.

Chan wasn't able to go the last event, and was told by Changbin and Jisung, that it rocked. They even managed to have a studio rented out from some indie producer they met there, who went to the States to become not so-indie. Chan had been over from time to time helping out with some tracks and even managing to make a mixtape with the two.

He and Changkyun were considering lyrics when Changkyun's phone rang.

"Ah give me a sec, it's Jamie," Changkyun said, fishing his phone out of his pocket. "Do you mind?"

"Nope," Chan said, decided to listen on a sample Changbin just set him.

"Hey James," Changkyun greeted just as soon as Chan put his earphones in.

The sample Changbin sent him was a few seconds long with a separate sample with the voice guide recorded by Jisung. It was a sample for a proposed chorus on a song they were currently working on, and Chan liked it, as far as the instrumental went. The one with the voice guide sound just as good.

He took a peek from Changkyun who was still preoccupied with his phone call. He had a smile on his face. Chan looked away and tried not to dive into another bout of self-loathing, thinking about what they've been up to and what they were talking about. He played the sample over and over again until Changkyun put his phone down.

"Sorry about that," Changkyun said, putting his phone away. "What you listening to?"

Chan unplugged his earphones from his laptop and played the sample. He felt a swell of pride when Changkyun said it was a great sample and that he couldn’t wait to hear the full song when Changbin and Jisung finishes it.

"So, how are you and Jamie?" Chan asked after a while. It has been a while since he’d had the opportunity to hang out with Jamie. She and Changkyun had been hanging out with each other since they became official and Chan didn’t want to be bitter about it. It’s what couples did when they got together after all, but he couldn’t help feel as if he was being left behind.

"We're good," Changkyun said without looking up at his notebook. He was currently writing lyrics. "She's crazy, but the cool crazy," he shrugged with a smile. "I like her."

Chan just nodded. "Cool. She coming to the event with us?"

"I think so yeah, she's actually never been to one so she's looking forward to it." Changkyun smiled up to Chan. "Can you believe that she actually isn't familiar with the whole underground scene here?"

"Well she is from abroad," Chan noted.

"Yeah, that is why I made her a playlist with some of my favorite tracks and artists. Just so she could start being familiar with it. I actually put in that track you guys made."

"Really? Which one?"

"Definitely _Matryoshka_ ," Changkyun smiled. "I haven't heard a review yet, but I'm sure she'll love it. Or not, she's unpredictable. And if she doesn't, my heart will be broken."

Chan could recognize that same lovesick and infatuated air Changkyun held himself with. Of course, it was something Chan himself had in the first few weeks of getting to know that a Jamie Park existed. He couldn't blame Changkyun because Jamie was a beautiful human being and he was happy and glad that they were happy. It was an honest feeling really.

Although he couldn't be frank with himself and say he didn't have feelings for Jamie anymore, it was far from that. Jamie was a vision and Chan couldn't just close his eyes. Not to mention, Jamie had integrated herself into his world. She was everywhere. She frequented the café, she was dating Changkyun, and she was good friends with almost all his friends. Hell, she's even met Changbin and Jisung, who lived hours away from the city. The bottom line is he wasn't going to just forget about his feelings for someone he had fallen so hard for (regardless of it being first sight or not). It was crazy, and he was back to reality, but the damage had been done.

The best thing he could do for himself is feel happy for Jamie and Changkyun, let himself feel sorry for his situation for a little while, even let himself take a dip on the pool of self-loathing, and take his own time for moving on. After all, he was kind of thankful that he got the reality check early on. But he was also kind of disappointed that he didn't act on his feelings when he should have.

For that he couldn't help but think of what could have happened if he did ask Jamie out. He couldn't help think if Jamie told Jae the same things in the same way that she did to Chan about her dates with Changkyun. He even thought about what their first date would be like, what he'd do if she became his girlfriend. (He'd probably buy her coffee and pastries and deliver them outside of her classroom, make her notes and slide them into pages of her books and notebooks, oh and maybe write her songs.)

And maybe that was why he couldn't easily get over the whole thing. Because he knew that he could easily have been in Changkyun's place if he had tried.

|||

When Chan thought about the places where people go to when they were feeling depressed or just a bit down in general, he thought about bars and nightclubs where they offered temporary solutions and distractions. They were the epitome of loneliness and desperation if he really thought about it, and he decided he wasn't at that stage. He was sad and he hated himself, but he didn't want to go to a bar to drown whatever he was feeling when he could easily do that by buying cheap beer from the convenience store and be lonely inside his apartment (which he shared with Hoseok). After all, he didn't think he needed temporary solutions or distractions...

When he thought about the place where he'd go when he was feeling sad, his place was that small café where Hoseok was. It wasn't just because of his brother, but it was because the café stood for something much more. The café was his brother's dream for as long as he could remember and Hoseok worked hard for it. Hoseok went through hell and back: finishing a degree all the while juggling two jobs just to pay for tuition and for utilities, taking care of Chan when Hoseok's mother died, and staying sane throughout all those years. It stood for the fact that a human can do anything if they really put in the effort. To be surrounded by Hoseok's success didn't make him jealous, it motivated him and it made him think that things will definitely be better in the end.

So that's where he was all the time if he afforded it (because Hoseok maybe his brother but he still had to pay for his own coffees). Or in that case, he was sipping on a cup of cinnamon tea. Hoseok was eyeing him with concern because Chan never ordered tea unless he was with Jamie. He didn't comment on it though, just kept sending Chan some cookies as his little brother worked on some school work and some tracks.

He didn’t need to tell Hoseok about Jamie and Changkyun. He’s sure that Jamie or Changkyun had told him in passing. Jamie, in one of her frequent visits to the café, and Changkyun, in one of his recent visits to the apartment and the café. Hoseok had tried to talk to him about it, but Chan didn’t really _want_ to talk about it. He was already ashamed enough, and he didn’t want his brother making it any worse. Not that he didn’t trust his brother to empathetic, he was just at that stage where he wished he could just forget everything that had happened.

He was sipping on his last cup of the tea when a plate of cake slid over his table. "Hoseok, I don't want it, seriously, you're going to make me fat," he said, not taking his eyes of the screen of his laptop. He had been doing reviewing a track he had been stuck on.

"Nothing wrong with that," came the reply. Only it wasn't Hoseok. Chan looked up from his screen to see Minho, the new part-timer in the café, smiling softly at him. "Also, the cake's on me." Chan couldn’t help notice how the ends of his lips curled that reminded him of a cat.

"Oh, thank you," he said, feeling blood rush up to his face in embarrassment. "You didn't have to, though."

"It's fine. It is a slow day anyway, and you finished all the cookies on display," the waiter chuckled.

Chan instantly looked at the display and indeed, Hoseok had just single handedly dug his way to bankruptcy. He looked at the counter where Hoseok was trying hard not to eavesdrop by the counter. "Well, they are good cookies."

"Then you'll like the cake," Minho said, smiling that same wide smile he shot him with the first time Chan ever saw him. "I'll leave you to it then. Don't work too hard," he smiled, placing a fork by the plate.

Chan smiled back at him and watched him retreat back into the back room. Hoseok silently watched his employee disappear before he rushed to Chan's side.

"Tell me that you’re going to take a bite. Come on, Chan, it's literally on a plate," Hoseok urged. Chan rolled his eyes. His brother made his way in bringing up his whole heart break over Jamie.

“Are you really encouraging me to hook up with your employee? Isn’t that like going against some moral code or something?” Chan asked, narrowing his eyes at his brother, but unconsciously pulling the plate of cake towards himself.

"For the record, I didn't make him do anything!" Hoseok defended. "I was about to go and tell him to get new batch of cookies from the kitchen, but he gave you the cake instead. That was all him, which is brave of him to do right in front of his boss, if I think about it."

"No, Hoseok. It's weird. Won't you feel weird if I started dating your employee? It's just weird. And I don't like him, Hoseok. Won't it be unfair to him, anyway?"

"Chan, I'm going to be really honest with you. You've been broody and sad for the past few days and I don't like seeing it, especially when you go do shit like order cinnamon tea which you don't actually like. I'm about to hit you with that pot if you don't stop. And honestly, if you don't like every person you meet romantically, then what's the point of dating?"

"How could you be so mean to me in my time of need?"

"What you need, my dear little brother is, a date. Or the very least, a distraction. Or maybe a slap in the brain because Minho is cute and he is very, very into you, why do you not see this?"

"Dude, can you just relax? It's just cake," Chan shrugged, trying to act nonchalant.

"No, it's not just cake, Chan. It's trust. And it's handed to you on a plate and with a fork. It's so much more that." Hoseok sighed.

|||

Chan had wanted to set an example to Changbin and Jisung by not drinking any alcohol that night, but it got harder when he found out that the majority of the participants in the underground event were ranging from acquaintances to friends who were all willing to buy him a drink. The event had been in full swing when Chan and the others got there. The rapping battles haven’t begun yet, but people were already dancing and drinking. Chan had wondered how he’d find Changbin and Jisung in the crowd.

Chan, Changkyun, and Jamie had intended to come by earlier, but they had spent some time trying to persuade Hoseok to tag along. His older brother had intended not to go out and instead stay at home and crunch numbers, but with the united effort of the three, Hoseok had reluctantly agreed. Chan was pretty sure that Hoseok wasn’t regretting the decision since a few minutes since they got inside the venue, Hoseok had already found himself someone to flirt with at the bar. With the way his older brother made the tall black-haired man he was with laugh so hard, Chan was sure he was going to find a different place to sleep tonight.

Even Jamie and Changkyun had disappeared the near second they entered. It was perhaps Changkyun was in the same position as Chan, who got dragged into so many directions with the amount of friends and acquaintances who wanted to greet them. It didn’t take long for Chan to lose them in the crowd too, and he tried to ignore the heavy sinking feeling once he tried looking around to find his friends gone. Chan could only hope that Jamie would enjoy the event seeing it was her first time participating in one of these.

Chan finally spotted Changbin and Jisung near the makeshift stage (which was just an allotted space on the dance floor, separated because of the people standing in a circle), currently talking to Chaeyoung. A disembodied voice had announced that the rapping battles and performances were going to start soon, and inevitably the space was cleared. It made it easier for him to see the two whom he hasn’t seen in half a year.

"Chan!" they smiled when they saw him approaching. "Oh my god, I missed you!" Jisung screeched as he pulled Chan into a tight hug. They did have to shout since they were standing near the stereos and an emcee was already introducing the main performers for the night. They moved to a spot which was less loud.

"Yeah, I missed you too man," Chan replied with a smile. “You guys got taller,” he chuckled. “And Chae! I haven’t seen you in so long!” Changbin gave him a side hug and Chaeyoung had given him a kiss on the cheek. Chaeyoung had been a friend he met during freshman year, but she had decided to transfer universities by the second semester.

"There's a few open mics in between the performances. We saw Jae, Younghyun and Bambam lurking around, and we decided to sign up," Chaeyoung said, laughing. “Remember that piece we never got to perform during freshman year?" Chan nodded and smiled. She was talking about the performance they were supposed to do for an end of year stage but got cancelled because of a typhoon.

“Sure thing, you guys going to do it this time?” Chan asked. She nodded and bid him goodbye when she found her friends somewhere in the crowd. Chan had abandoned the beer someone had handed him earlier.

“And how about you two?" Chan looked towards Changbin and Jisung who had been having their own conversation.

Jisung smiled conspiringly. “We signed 3RACHA after Loco’s performance,” he said.

“We weren’t sure you’d want it, but we’ve been itching to perform for a while,” Changbin added.

“Are you kidding? It’s totally fine. I’ve been wanting to pick up a mic myself,” Chan said, clapping a hand on both their shoulders. “So what are we doing?”

"You know, the usual," Jisung answer. “That way we wouldn’t suck.” Changbin playfully narrowed his eyes at him.

“You mean that way you wouldn’t forget the lyrics?” Changbin jabbed.

“He forgets the lyrics, regardless,” Chan teased and laughed when Jisung pouted at them both and started telling them about changing and improving.

Chan spent the majority of the night with Changbin and Jisung. They barely moved from their spot near the stage, and watched and listened in interest by the side. The performance list for the event was hot, and all the more intensified when it was confirmed that Agust D and RM would be collabing towards the end of the night.

As much as he didn’t want to, Chan couldn’t help scanning the crowd for a familiar purple-haired girl. Hoseok was still by the bar and his companion, Chan had to note how closer they were than the last time he saw them. Changkyun and Jamie were still nowhere to be seen and Chan didn’t want to feel discouraged about it. Some part of him wanted Jamie to see him perform. He decided not to think too much about it and instead focused on encouraging and assuring Changbin and Jisung who looked progressively nervous as their turn to perform draw nearer.

When their group name was finally called, they were handed mics while Changbin prepared their track list with the DJ. They walked toward the center of the makeshift stage and with deep breaths, he looked at his members as the first notes of _Zone_ reverberated across the room, causing howls and yells of excitement to commence.

They performed two more songs before stepping out of the stage. They were sweaty, elated and high on the rush of the performance as they went through a small crowd surrounding them to shake their hands and pat their backs for a very powerful set. Chan couldn’t stop smiling, he had forgotten how thrilling it was to perform especially with Changbin and Jisung by his side.

"We still got it," Changbin said as he pulled the two closer.

"Hurry up and graduate already so we could do this every day," Chan chuckled as he ruffled both of his members' sweaty heads. "Come on, let's go to the bar."

He was surprised to see that Jamie and Changkyun were there, and looked like they were waiting for them. Judging by their smiles and the way they immediately latched onto them, Chan knew they had watched the performance.

“You guys are _soooo_ good,” Jamie said. "Like seriously, for a moment there I was attracted to you," she laughed at Chan. "You're a whole different person on stage, do you know that?"

"Thanks?" Chan awkwardly rubbed his nape. "Glad you liked it. We haven't exactly been rehearsing."

"Who cares? If you guys are this good without having to rehearse, imagine how great you guys are if you did."

Jisung blushed as he took a drink of water he had just ordered. Changbin smiled gratefully at Jamie too.

"Also, I was almost disappointed you guys weren't going to perform _Matryoshka_ , like thank GOD everyone wanted an encore," Jamie added, her eyes wild.

"Told you she'd like it," Changkyun turned to Chan who just laughed at his friend.

"Where's Hoseok?" Chan asked after the conversation geared away from their other songs and productions. "We saw Yoongi on our way here, he was looking for him."

"Oh, that," Jamie chuckled conspiringly. "We saw him disappear in the bathroom with this tall dude. I think you're crashing somewhere else tonight," she said, looking at Chan.

"That tall dude was Chae Hyungwon. He's known as H. One, though," Changkyun said, playing with the ends of Jamie's hair. "Hoseok is unbelievable, I can't believe he managed to get the attention of _the_ Chae Hyungwon."

"His stage name is H. One?" Jisung asked with a frown. "Dude, I think I need a new stage name."

"Why is that?" Jamie looked confused.

"Because Jisung's stage name is _J_. One," Chan explained with a laugh. "You can always go with Squirrel Boy, Sung."

"I hate you. I hope Hoseok never lets you back inside your apartment." Jisung narrowed and pouted, his cheeks rounding up even more and making him look like the said animal.

"Guys, Agust D and RM are on stage. THEY’RE DOING THE COLLAB," Changbin motioned towards the stage where people were already hollering and shouting in excitement.

"James, hold me, I think I'm going to faint," Changkyun said as the two rappers stepped into the stage. "This is too good to be true."

"Don't be a baby, Kyun," Jamie said, pulling his boyfriend against her chest and resting her chin against his shoulder.

Chan had to remind himself to look away.

|||

Chan spots his brother in the living room when he steps into the hallway. He keeps his movements quite as he realized Hoseok wasn’t along in the living room. He toed off his shoes and gently walked towards the two to greet them, and just like he suspected, Hyungwon was there with Hoseok.

Chan wasn’t surprised to see his brother’s one-night stand staying for the morning and probably eating a breakfast his older brother cooked for the both of them. Hosoek had too much empathy and kindness in his heart capable by a single human being, and that’s probably something he and his older brother shared: the overwhelming need and urge to just be kind to people when they can. Chan can honestly attribute that to Hoseok’s mother, who treated Chan like her own son and made sure to learn a thing or two about kindness and dignity.

True, it wasn’t really pleasant to meet the people he’s brother had slept with, and it really wasn’t conventional to ask your one-night stand to stay for breakfast, but it was an arrangement he and Hoseok had lived by ever since they got over the initial awkwardness of finding out the other was out and about exploring their sexuality.

Knowing that his brother home someone, Chan had made sure to get home by late noon. Sometimes the one-night stand left shortly after breakfast—if they agreed to it of course and, sometimes they didn’t which didn’t happen often. In this case, Hyungwon had stayed beyond breakfast. Chan was surprised to find that two were cuddling on the sofa, still half-naked.

Chan cleared his throat, realizing that the two hadn’t noticed him there. They looked blissfully unaware of everything besides each other. Hoseok looked up from, soft expressions turning into a slightly surprised one as if he didn’t expect his younger brother to come home.

Hyungwon had looked up from where his head was lying on Hoseok’s chest, smiling hesitantly at Chan.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt, but,” Chan said after a few seconds of awkwardness. He lifted the bag of food he brought after seeing Changbin and Jisung off at the train station. He had stayed at the two’s hotel room after the event last night.

Hyungwon was the first to get up. He was dressed in one of Hoseok’s shirts, which was a bit looser on him compared to his brother who was broad from his frequent trips to the gym. The black-haired man smiled and walked up to Chan with an extended hand. “Hi. You must be Chan, I’m Hyungwon.”

Chan just nodded as he shook the DJ’s hand. “I know. I’ve listened to some of your mixes,” he said, earning a slight blush from the taller man.

Hyungwon laughed, shy and embarrassed. “Oh, thank you.”

“You’ll stay for food, won’t you?” Hoseok asked, reappearing at Hyungwon’s side. Chan pretended not to notice the small touch of Hoseok’s hand on Hyungwon’s back. But he didn’t bother to hide the small smile on his face.

Hoseok undoubtedly attracted a lot of people, but that didn’t mean he actually committed to any relationships he’s had in the last five years. Chan was aware Hoseok didn’t do it on purpose, his older brother just sometimes forgot to think about himself.

His older brother may attract a lot of people, but that didn't mean he actually committed to a long-term relationship in the last five years. That wasn't because Hoseok did it on purpose, sometimes he just forgot to take care of himself.

“Um, Seok?” Chan called out shyly, unwilling to interrupt the soft moment the other two were sharing. Chan had left for the kitchen to set up the food and came back only to see the two looking and just holding each other in the middle of the living room.

"Yeah, coming," Hoseok said just before placing another kiss on Hyungwon's lips and pulling the black-haired man into the kitchen.

“Hey, I don’t want to intrude on you guys, so I’ll just head out for a bit,” Chan said, already checking if his keys were still in his pockets. “You guys can have the apartment for the rest of the day.”

“You don’t have to leave you know,” Hoseok said, looking a bit guility.

“Yeah, I mean we don’t mind. It’s your apartment after all, and I’m the one intruding,” Hyungwon added.

Chan shook his head and smiled at the both of them. “Nah, it’s fine. I can just stay at the café for a while and do some school work. Besides, Hoseok needs an overdue day-off.”

Although it took a little convincing Hoseok that he was totally okay with it, Chan bid them goodbye with his laptop in tow. He had a surge of motivation all of a sudden, and he had to admit he felt lighter than he had felt last night. Last night was fun and it was great that he had performed again, but he still felt like he was being left behind concerning Jamie and Changkyun. He’s happy for them really, but it was at that moment he realized he was lonely.

Last night had made him realize that he was more of a spectator than the performer. Against his better judgment, he felt the world pass him by. People around him were meeting new people, getting new opportunities, and making new memories in general. Chan knew he could do all that too, but why couldn’t he? What was holding him back?

The café was a bit crowded when he got there, but thankfully his usual seat near the display was vacant and he made a bee line toward it, making sure to greet Mark who was manning the counter. He began setting his laptop up and a few minutes later Mark came to his table to give him his usual order. Almost everyone who worked in the café knew his usual order (it wasn’t hard to remember anyway, just an iced americano), and it took Chan a while to get used to being served without saying anything.

“Thanks,” he said.

“No problem, let me know if you need anything else, yeah?” Mark smiled at him, and gave Chan a pat on the shoulder. “Don’t work yourself too hard.”

“I won’t,” Chan smiled back.

He wasn’t really telling the truth when he said he’d do some school work. Sure there was some work to do, but most of them still had an impending deadline for a month or so. Instead, he looked through his university email for any sort of updates from his professors, his personal email for any invites from the people he’s met last night, and his other social media accounts just because. He tried not to be bothered by the fact that the text he had sent Jamie and Changkyun last night and this morning were remained unread and unanswered. He tried not to overthink it too much. Before he could open a random track file, a plate of cake was once again sliding over his table.

He didn’t really need to look up to know who it was. He smiled at Minho who was already sporting his own, his smile strongly reminding him of a feline once again. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Minho greeted. Chan noticed that the waiter wasn't wearing the black t-shirt and dark blue apron that fit as a uniform in the café. Minho was instead dressed in his own clothes, and Chan blushed at the fact that he was probably blatantly staring at him. He didn’t want about how he’d just realized now how small Minho’s waist was. “Hoseok didn’t come by today.”

Chan shook his head. “Yeah. He needed a day-off.” He was a bit off-guarded with the way Minho continued to smile at him. “Thanks for the cake. The last one was delicious.”

"Thanks. I baked it," Minho smiled, blushing slightly at the complement.

"Are you off work now?" Chan asked, using it as an excuse to look him over again.

"Yeah actually. My shift just ended, but then I saw you out here and well..." Minho rubbed his nape in anxiety. "Do you mind if I join you for a bit? I mean, I hope you’re not busy. It’s just…You look like you need company."

Chan smiled and made a show to shut his laptop shut. He motioned the man to take the empty seat across his table. "Go ahead, I don't mind."

Minho shot him another smile and happily took the empty seat next to him.

Maybe Chan should just try.


	3. part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited.

|||

Chan was on his back towards campus to take advantage of the university studio rooms. He was munching on a strudel that Minho had packed for him when he dropped by the café earlier. Just as he was to turn towards the university gates, he felt a sudden weight around his shoulders, arms instantly wrapping around his neck and almost pushing him to the ground. He almost dropped the strudel and the other pastries Minho gave him in a paper bag. (It was a sweet reminder to take breaks in between if he was going to lock himself in the studio for hours.)

He turned back to see Changkyun smiling innocently at him. “A little warning next time, Kyun?” He started glaring at him since Changkyun was quite literally leaning all his body weight against Chan.

“Duuuuudddeeeeeeeeee!” Changkyun whined, only smiling wider.

Chan forcefully shrugged him off. “Someone’s in a happy mood.”

Changkyun pouted, his face lighting up at the sight of the paper bag Chan had in hand. “Ooh, pastries, gimme!”

Changkyun made grabby hands and Chan instantly put his arms around the paper bag protectively. “Get your own, buddy. This was given to me and to me only.”

“Come on, dude. I know I haven’t hung out with you for a while, but it’s been so boring without your lovely company…and the free pastries you seem to be getting a lot.”

“My brother owns a café,” Chan said as a matter of fact. “I get free pastries all the time.”

Changkyun rolled his eyes. “Last time I heard you only recently got free coffee, and the pastries are from a particular employee.”

“You lie,” Chan shrugged, making sure to eat his strudel in one bite. “Shouldn’t you be busy finishing off requirements or something? Jamie said you’ve been dying for the last days just slaving over it.”

“Exactly. Now I need to let off some steam. If you don’t wanna give me some of your pastries, then let’s go back to the café. I’d like to meet your new boyfriend anyway.”

“What boyfriend? I don’t have one,” Chan narrowed his eyes at his friend as Changkyun pulled him away from the direction he was supposed to go (campus), and towards the direction to the café.

“Now you lie. Isn’t it your boyfriend who baked you those heavenly treats? Changkyun raised his brows in teasing.”

“Minho isn’t my boyfriend, and he baked them to be sold at the café, which I bought,” Chan tried.

“Still, you lie,” Changkyun clicked his tongue in distaste. “I’m going to ask Minho then.”

And without any form of warning whatsoever, Changkyun decided to sprint, heading straight towards the café. Chan found himself instantly following, not wanting to even predict what could happen if Changkyun decided to talk to Minho. He groaned internally, he needed new friends.

When Chan finally caught up with Changkyun, they were both panting heavily, but that didn’t stop Changkyun from tearing the entrance door open and shamelessly claiming victory by kneeling on the middle of the shop. He threw his arms in the air, fists raised. Chan quickly caught him by the collar and swung his arm around his neck, careful not to crush the paper bag he had been carrying all this time. Chan was aware they were making a scene, and he was aware that Hoseok was going to come out at some point to break whatever bratty activity Changkyun got themselves into.

But he was laughing at Changkyun, even if he knows he should be irritated.

“Chan what are you doing?” Hoseok finally stepped in, and in avertedly separated the two. He had a smile on his face too. “You two are going to scare my customers,” he added with a laugh.

“What did you do to provoke him anyway?” this he asked Changkyun who was still under a series of wheezing and laughter.

“He—he wouldn’t give me pastries,” he huffed after a few breaths. “That, and he wouldn’t tell me about his new boyfriend.”

“Well he’s here now, so you can ask him anything you want,” Hoseok said, smiling mischievously at Minho who was standing by at the counter.

“You don’t get to decide that,” Chan groaned, feeling a bit dizzy and finally letting Changkyun go.

“You don’t either,” Changkyun countered, childishly poking his tongue out at him.

“Stop being children and go sit down before you two pass out,” Hoseok said, softly pushing them towards an empty table.

“You’re the child,” Chan glared at Changkyun as they sat down. Two glasses of water were placed on front of them.

“And you’re the fool who followed,” Changkyun said, sending Hoseok a grateful smile before gulping down his glass of water. “Why is it a big deal anyway if I talked to Minho? I mean, he is right there,” Changkyun motioned towards the counter. Minho, god bless him, pretended not to be affected by the situation, but Chan could see the slight blush on his cheeks.

Chan sighed before taking a drink himself. “Maybe because I want to keep him to myself for a while,” he said, looking at Minho at the corner of his eye. Minho bowed his head deeper and went into the back room. Chan wanted to laugh. Minho was adorable.

“Ooh, didn’t really think you’d be the possessive type,” Changkyun wiggled his eyebrows when he caught Chan looking at where Minho was.

Chan finally looked at Changkyun, who was biting at the rim of the glass. “It’s true though what I said about us not being boyfriends, we’ve just been hanging out and we haven’t been to an official date yet. So please stop making a big deal out of this. It’s still new.”

“You know you could’ve just shared your pastries and told me all that before I decided to tease you by sprinting here.” Changkyun sighed dramatically.

“Ha, you decided that on your own, I can hardly be blamed for your spontaneity,” Chan said, taking his empty glass and walked towards the counter, deciding to ignore Changkyun who called out to him. He stepped into the backroom, also ignoring his brother watching him from the counter where he took over Minho.

He smiled sheepishly at Minho when he spotted him pulling new treats into his trays to be put on the display. “What was that about?” Minho asked.

“Nothing. I just need new friends,” Chan said, playing with his glass before setting it by the sink.

“You don’t mean that,” Minho chuckled. He put his tray down and ruffled Chan’s sweat-damp hair.

Chan was vaguely aware that Changkyun was already trying to take a peek at them both, he probably had his phone out taping the whole thing to send to Jamie.

“No, I don’t. You still got those pastries? It’s what brought me into this mess,” Chan sighed. “I think these are crushed,” he said, lifting the bag of pastries he has yet to let go. He probably looked ridiculous.

“Of course. Though I did hear that I’m partly to blame for it,” Minho smiled.

“I would say so. You’re playing favorites and people are starting to catch on,” Chan said playfully. He felt a surge of boldness and decided to step closer towards the baker.

“And you’re asking for more pastries for compensation?” Minho asked, letting himself lean against the counter. “I doubt that’ll help my case.”

Chan laughed, putting his hands on either side of Minho.

“Minho, Chan, please don’t make out in the kitchen,” Hoseok called out from the counter. There was an instant sound of wood scraping against the wall and Changkyun giving out shrieks and a plea that he wanted to watch.

“I’m taking that back, I definitely need new friends,” Chan groaned as he leaned his head against Minho shoulder. He could feel Minho’s shoulder shake in laughter. He felt the baker tentatively wrap his arms around his middle. They stayed like that for a while.

“Are you free this weekend? I kind of want to take you on a date,” Minho whispered. “I would’ve asked you a while ago when you were here the first time, but your brother was breathing down my neck.”

Chan tried not to move, not wanting the other boy to see how flustered he was being just hearing him asking him out on a date.

“What, cat got your tongue?” Minho laughed as he took his arms away, to look at Chan. He smiled wider seeing the blush covering Chan’s pale face.

Chan laughed nervously. “I…I’d like that very much,” Chan sputtered. Minho smiled that smile that turned his eyes into crescenets.

“You’re adorable,” Minho laughed.

“Shut up.”

|||

That Sunday, Chan found himself alone in the apartment. Hoseok wasn’t in and he wasn’t busy in the café for once. Chan was happy to know that Hoseok found the courage to actually take a break from work and get on a date with Hyungwon, whom Hoseok was only contacting through texts and phone calls since the day they met. The date however, consisted of Chan’s older brother going all out by travelling all the way to Gwangju where the DJ was working. Hoseok had told him he Hyungwon had wanted him to meet his friends too which Chan only bid him good luck for (not that his brother necessarily needed it since Hoseok was so easily loved by everyone).

That left Chan alone in the apartment, and he has to admit he wasn’t too fond of it. He was glad and grateful that his brother found new places to go and new people to meet, but Chan had been so used to his brother’s presence around. It unnerved him a bit, how unused to being alone as he was and he contemplated on inviting someone over. He had already spent the last few hours alone doing school work, and even tried to work on some tracks but that only unnerved him even more.

He looked outside the window to see that he had already spent the majority of the day watching videos on youtube and catching up on some movies. He could try and start dinner. Hoseok usually did the meals, and his brother wasn’t going to be home until a few days. Sighing, he took his phone out to see if any of his friends are game for dinner or a movie in the apartment. It’s been a while since he’s invited someone over anyway. His first choice was Jamie, who had answered that she was currently on a study date with Changkyun which immediately ruled out his second choice. Jamie then proceeded to complain about how Jae had crashed their date by inviting himself to study.

His finger had been hovering over Minho’s name in his contact list when his phone began ringing, signaling a caller. Chan stared at the caller ID in awe of coincidences.

“Hey Minho,” Chan greeted as soon as he answered the call.

“Hi Channie! How are you doing?” Minho said cheerfully over the phone. Chan looked at the clock hanging on top of the television screen.

“Nothing, I was just about to call you actually,” Chan said. “You’re just about done with your shift, aren’t you?” he added, not realizing that he already knew of Minho’s shifts and schedules at the café.

Minho chuckled. “What are you planning, Bang Chan?”

Chan smiled, “whatever do you mean?”

“Your brother is out of town, sir. You’re not going to invite me over are you?” Minho had teasing undertones.

“And if I were, what are you going to do about it?”

Minho hummed in contemplation. “Is there anything in it for me?”

“My companionship, I thought that was enticing enough.”

“No deal, I’m afraid.”

Chan gasped dramatically. “You wound me.”

“You have to try better than that, Channie.”

“Fine, pizza, chicken, and a movie night, how’s that sound?”

Chan broke into the biggest smile when Minho said yes.

He immediately got to work on preparing the apartment for Minho’s visit. He had already ordered food and was already on their way. He set up the gaming console just in case Minho wanted a few rounds of whatever video games he wanted. There was a list of movies Minho could choose from. And he made sure there were enough snacks just in case they still got hungry at some point in the night.

It didn’t take long for Chan to hear a knock on the door. The food had just arrived minutes earlier and before Chan could answer the door, he took one last look at his reflection on his phone.

“Hey handsome,” Chan greeted, already pulling Minho by the collar into the apartment. A few dates in and Chan had to admit that Minho was attractive. He was undeniably so and Chan had no problem acting out on it, even if they only ever gotten as far as holding hands and flirting shamelessly with each other since their first date two weeks ago. (They had other dates since then, and Chan was surprised to find he actually enjoys Minho’s company.)

Minho laughed at Chan’s blatant excitement, but leaned to give a kiss on Chan’s cheek. “Someone’s excited for a movie.”

Chan shrugged, attempted at nonchalance. “Well, it’s you.”

The smile Minho already wore transitioned into a soft one and Chan led him by the hand to the living room where their food awaited. They were comfortable with each other, Chan realized. Minho didn’t mind if Chan had gone too strong on affection, and he basked in it. He didn’t say anything when Chan comfortably placed his legs on the baker’s lap as they started a movie (some Japanese film about cats disappearing from the world), and Chan didn’t mind when Minho decided to rest his hands on his calves and soothingly run his hands through the fabric of his sweatpants.

At some point in the middle of their third movie, Chan had rested his head on Minho’s lap who was now playing with his dark curls. Minho had always commented on how cute they were despite Chan’s insistence they were nothing but. Their close proximity lead to hushed conversations that ranged from the protagonists’ bad choices and loud plot holes, into finally something altogether unrelated to the movie at all.

“I love your hair,” Chan said, raising a hand to Minho’s brown hair. “It’s so straight and smooth. And probably easily manageable,” he laughed.

“My hair has its fair share of uncooperativeness, but it’s barely special. I shampoo and condition like every other person,” Minho said, leaning into Chan’s touch. “Besides I like your hair better.”

Chan scrunched his nose. “You haven’t seen my hair in its worse moments. It took me almost an hour to get my curls behave.”

Minho smirked, his hands stopping at their activity on Chan’s head. “Is that your way of saying you wanted to look good for me?”

Chan matched Minho’s smirk with his own, pulling at Minho’s hair slightly as to not hurt. “Don’t be cocky. I wanted to look good, period. Regardless of your approval,” Chan said.

Minho hummed, his hands resuming running through Chan’s curls. “Well, you do look good. You always do, even that one time you came in the café with questionable stains on your shirt, and your hair looking like a bird’s nest. I wanted to kiss you then,” Minho said, his eyes suddenly glued to the TV screen and a blush high on his tan skin. Chan knew Minho wasn’t really interested in the movie, they had stopped paying attention after the opening credits rolled in.

“Would you kiss me now?” Chan found himself asking. His hand in Minho’s hair suddenly gently pulling Minho towards him. Minho finally looked at him, eyes darting at his eyes and mouth, and Chan became aware of their proximity. He lifted himself a bit, licking his lips. Minho traced it with his eyes.

“Would you?” Chan asked again. He could almost feel Minho breathing against his face.

“Yes,” Minho sighed. His hands found its way to either side of Chan’s face, and finally, they closed the distance between them.

Chan couldn’t remember the last time he’d been kissed like this, nor the time he kissed someone as if they were the very air they breathed. But Chan didn’t even try to remember, only thought of how soft and hot Minho’s lips were, and the betraying curiosity of whether Jamie kissed as passionately as Minho was.

|||

It was that time of the school year where Chan’s calendar was once again filled with reminders and deadlines, and where most of his hours were now spent in between school, the café and home. Hoseok had been an absolute godsend for being as supportive as ever: giving out discounted coffee and snacks to his friends when they were at the café to study (and of course, free ones for Chan), and even sticking notes on his cups with encouraging messages. Minho had also been an angel those days. Even if Minho had his own share of tests and papers to look out for, he’d accompany Chan whenever he went to the library and invite him to his own apartment for more private study dates. Chan always got pastries and kisses in between. (He found out one visit that Minho was just as good a cook as he was a baker.)

It was also the perfect time to tell people that he and Minho were dating, because it meant people couldn’t really focus on that piece of information when they were busy trying to catch on deadlines and word counts. Sometimes when Jamie and Changkyun invited him over for study sessions, Minho would drop kisses whenever he passed by their table, earning short teasing from both of them. But Chan kind of enjoyed the attention, even if it meant Jamie only paid attention whenever Minho was around.

It also meant that those study sessions with Jamie and Changkyun (besides their shared classes with Chan) were the only moments he’d actually get to see or hang out with either of them. He tried not to miss Jamie’s company too much, especially when he was with Minho but whenever he’d get to bump into Jamie in campus she was either rushing to her next class or too stressed out to even notice Chan was there. Not to mention, when she wasn’t doing all those things, she was with Changkyun. Chan would spot them stealing a nap together in the library or even snuggling close together in the campus grounds. Whenever he’d feel the ugly feeling of envy or sadness, he’d call or text Minho and he was at least distracted from it.

That afternoon, after spending a few hours alone in the library (Minho hadn’t been able to accompany him this time since he had a dance choreography to master. It was another thing he couldn’t comprehend, Minho being a very good baker and being a major in dance), Chan decided to head home. He had gathered enough research material for another class paper, and he suddenly thought that he probably could afford one night of just sleeping it away instead of slaving it away on school work. Never mind that he still had two tests to study for.

The light in the apartment was on when Chan entered so he knew that Hoseok was home. What he didn’t know was that Hyungwon was visiting from Gwangju and was now straddling his brother half-naked in the couch.

“Seriously?” Chan deadpanned, too tired to even react properly. Hoseok and Hyungwon broke away from each other, Hoseok suddenly pushing Hyungwon under him in an attempt to cover his boyfriend’s state of undress. Chan had caught his brother in compromising situations before and he always headed to the gym with his brother. But he probably did it for Hyungwon anyway, not that Chan cared either. He just wanted to sleep. “We have rooms for a reason,” he added.

Hoseok only smiled sheepishly as he blindly looked for his shirt on the floor. “I thought you were still in the library with Minho.”

“You could’ve still warned me beforehand, I would have gone to Minho’s place for the night,” Chan sighed, too exhausted to argue any further.

Hoseok was already putting on his shirt and he froze, his shirt not even covering his abs properly. His older brother seemed to look at how tired Chan was. “Did you eat?”

Chan shrugged. “I just want to sleep at this point.”

Hyungwon had already put on his own shirt and looked at Chan in sympathy. “Sure, kiddo. Me and Hoseok will just put a raincheck on it. You get to sleep. We’ll be quiet,” he smiled softly.

Chan smiled at them both. “Thanks.” Hoseok gave his shoulder a few pats when Chan walked toward his room. He didn’t even get to his covers just quite yet when his phone began to ring. The caller ID displayed a picture of Jamie with two blueberry tarts covering her eyes in an attempt to mimic the white monster in _Pan’s Labyrinth_.

“Hello?” he greeted after taking a second to answer. He was tired sure, but he wouldn’t let up on an opportunity with Jamie just because.

“Channie,” Jamie exhaled. “Where are you?”

Chan frowned. “I’m at home, why?”

There was silence on the other side.

“Jamie?” he called out, feeling that something wasn’t right.

“I…” He could hear her sniffle which caused him to stand up right from his bed and already putting on a pair of jeans. A demand to know where Jamie was on the tip of his tongue.

“I just left Changkyun’s place. W-we had a fight.”

Chan was surprised. He had always thought that although Jamie and Changkyun argued all the time, all ranging form playful banter and intellectual debates, they always made up in the end, no matter how heated it got.

“Where are you? Are you okay?” Chan asked, already pulling his door open.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “I just…can you come over?”

“I’ll be there in a few,” Chan said, nodding even though she couldn’t see it. “I’ll see you?”

“See you,” she said in a small voice before hanging up.

He ignored the confused looks Hoseok and Hyungwon (who were cuddling and watching a drama on the couch) threw at him as he made a beeline towards the front door where his shoes were. He ignored his brother’s question as to where he was going and just told them he’d be right back.

Jamie needed him. Suddenly he didn’t feel dead tired anymore. He felt determined, like there was a whole new purpose to this moment. Jamie needed him, and the fact that he’d be the first she’d call made him feel giddy, special even.

He stopped by the convenience store to buy some of Jamie’s favorite snacks, and finally hurried to Jamie’s apartment. He wondered what she and Changkyun had a fight over, and how bad it was to have Jamie probably walking out of the other’s apartment and looking for comfort. He didn’t want to be irritated at the fact that Changkyun let the situation get to that point, but that wasn’t his priority. Jamie needed _him._

Chan didn’t really expect Jamie’s roommate to be home when he knocked on their door. Jihyo greeted Chan as she opened the door.

“Is Jamie home?” Chan asked, although already knowing that she was.

“Yeah, she just got home. But she locked herself in her room when she did.” Jihyo opened the door wider for Chan to come in. “Is she okay?”

“She and Changkyun had a fight,” Chan said. Jihyo looked surprised. “It must have been really bad then.”

“Yeah,” Chan said, slipping his shoes off.

“Her room’s to the left,” Jihyo said, pointing at the short hallway leading to their respective rooms.

Chan nodded at her in gratitude, and he headed for the hallway. He knocked on the door which had a framed quotation from Roland Barthes.

“Hey, it’s me,” he said, waiting for a bit before he heard a shuffle and the door opened. Jamie was already swat in a big hoodie and sweat pants.

“Hi,” she said. Her voice small. She sounded like she was crying, and it was evident by how her eyes were red, but he waited for Jamie to open the door wider before he enveloping her in a hug.

|||

Chan had let Jamie cry for a while. He just held her and stroked her hair in comfort as she let it all her tears out. Whatever the fight was about, Chan allowed himself to be angry at Changkyun for that moment. He felt sad seeing Jamie who was usually collected and strong just break down like this. She appeared so weak and so vulnerable right there in his arms, and despite feeling happy that she had called him for comfort, he didn’t feel too good about seeing her so shaken up like that.

When she finally calmed down, her sobs breaking into hiccups, he finally asked her what had happened. It took a few moments of silence before she said anything. He continued holding her, and letting her lean against him.

“Thank you,” she said, not looking at Chan and seemingly just staring into some corner of her room. Chan had gently walked her to her bed where she could cry sitting down instead of Chan holding her up in the doorway.

“It’s fine, you know I’m here for you,” Chan whispered, kissing her hair.

She had a strong grip on the sleeve of his hoodie ever since she started crying, and she finally let go, slowly leaning away from Chan. She wiped at her cheeks, and Chan helped her tuck her hair away from her face.

“I didn’t think you’d come. Or answer my call in the first place,” she said, wiping her nose.

“Of course I would, why would you think that?” Chan said, he slowly got up to pick up the bag he had dropped near the doorway and took a water bottle out to hand to her.

“Because I haven’t talked nor hung out with you in a while,” she chuckled humorlessly. “I didn’t think that getting into a relationship would actually change so much. I’m sorry for letting it happen.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” Chan reassured, still holding out the water bottle. She gave him a small smile before accepting. She didn’t try to open it, she just had it in her hand. “Was it bad?” he asked, sitting down next to her on the bed.

She took in a deep breath before nodding. “It’s stupid, really. I just made a comment about something about a track he was working on, of course he tried to argue for it, but I guess I was really stressed out and I thought it was stupid and then I said something out of line,” she sighed, finally opening the water bottle.

“He didn’t deserve what I said, but I said it anyway,” she said afterwards.

Chan reached for her hand. “You said so yourself, you were stressed out.”

“That doesn’t make it any better. You know what I told him?” she squeezed his hand before abruptly letting go to wipe at her face in frustration. “I told him that the song didn’t make any sense. His beats sounded sloppy, and his lyrics forced. And I told him that you were ten times better a producer than he’ll ever be,” she explained, her voice cracking at the end.

“He’s always been insecure about his songs, you know, and he looks up to you so much. He loves your songs. He’s told me how great you were and how much he wanted even half of your talent. And I just basically spat on his insecurities and punched him in the gut. I’m such an asshole,” she said, sounding like she was going to cry again.

Chan had his fair share of battles against his insecurities. Having someone walk all over it as if it wasn’t valid was a shitty feeling, and having your girlfriend do so was even shittier. Changkyun probably needed some comfort too, but Jamie started crying again, and Chan held her close, not knowing what to say but letting her cry and rubbing circles on her shoulder.

“I shouldn’t have called you,” she said after she had calmed down again. Chan froze, and silently watched her take a big drink from her water bottle.

“How do you mean?” he asked.

Jamie shrugged, and placed the water bottle on her bedside table. “It’s unfair.”

“What’s unfair?”

“Changkyun has always been insecure,” she said again, remained in her position. “But especially around you. Did you know that?”

“No, why would he be?” Chan asked, genuinely confused because Changkyun made killer tracks, and he was always confident about them.

“It wasn’t just because of your music. He always thought that if you had asked, I’d be instantly head over heels for you and leave him,” she said, chuckling as if it was the funniest thing ever.

“What do you mean ‘If I had asked’?” Chan was confused now. He gently took Jamie by the shoulders and tried to have her look at him. “Jamie, what do you mean?”

“You’ve never been discreet about your feelings for me, you know,” Jamie said, finally looking up at him. “Everyone who’s close to you probably knows.” She was looking at him differently now. It wasn’t one of those looks he was familiar with, and he didn’t want to describe it as cold because Jamie had never been cold to him before, but it was. He felt his heart stop, and he stared at her to try to comprehend what she just said.

“Are you saying,” Chan swallowed, his mouth and throat feeling dry. “That you knew I have—had feelings for you?”

She looked away from his eyes, but Chan only squeezed her shoulders harder.

“And Changkyun thinks that if I had ever acted up on it, you’d have gone with me?”

She shrugged and Chan took his hands away from her. “Yes. And he does,” she said, wiping at her face again. “But he’s wrong.” She looked at him again. “And this is why I shouldn’t have called you,” she muttered, standing up and covering her face with her hands. “Fuck, why am I so stupid.”

“If he’s wrong, then that’s good. Because I wouldn’t ask you to go out with me when you’re with him. He should give me better credit,” Chan said. He stood up to where Jamie was. She was crying again, tears staining her chubby cheeks and Chan couldn’t resist but reach out and wipe it way. “But if I had asked you before you two got together, would you have said yes?”

“No,” she said, looking up at Chan. She gently took his hands away from her face. “No. I would’ve turned you down. And I’m just grateful that you didn’t because I wouldn’t have known how to say it.”

Chan had always thought that if Jamie would have turned him down, she’d do it in the least painful way. But here she was, taking his heart from his hands where he offered it to her, throwing it on the ground, and mercilessly stomping on it.

He had been hooked from the start. And now he was being skinned alive and his guts spilled out.

“That’s…” Chan just gulped, trying hard not cry. “That’s good to know,” he said finally. He pulled his hands away from her and walked away, taking his backpack off the floor. He took out all the snacks he had bought for her and placed it on the bed.

“I hope you make up with Changkyun soon,” he said, pointedly not avoiding her eyes as he emptied the contents of his bag. “And I’m sorry… if it felt like my feelings were an inconvenience.”

It was only when he had his back pack strung over his shoulder did she call out, “Oh fuck, Chan wait.” She walked up toward him to place a hand on his arm.

Chan stared down at her hand, and gently pried it off of him. “You were right, you shouldn’t have called me.”

|||

The thing is, Chan knew that Hoseok knew something was wrong. The man had basically raised him, and he mostly knew every little thing that made his clock tick. If he saw the sudden change in Chan’s behavior, he’d definitely question it and probably get him into an intervention. That was basically why he Chan had avoided his brother in the first place. He didn’t want to talk because he didn’t feel like it. He wasn’t in the mood to try to understand the whole situation he’d found himself in. He just wanted to feel lousy like the world just offended him in the worst way possible.

And that was why he had avoided Changkyun and Jamie for the past week. He made up excuses when Changkyun asked to hang out, and he straight up ignored all calls and texts from Jamie who had been attempting to contact him ever since that night he left her shared apartment.

If he had talked to Hosoek he knew his older brother was going to tell him how much of a bad coping mechanism it all was. But he knew that if he had talked to his brother, he would tell him how he told him so, that he would have been spared the pain he felt now if he had asked her out in the first place, or at the very least confess to her. (Although some part of Chan knew that Hoseok wouldn’t actually say those words, but then again, he didn’t actually expect Jamie to treat his feelings as if they didn’t matter in the first place.)

But another thing was that Hoseok was a patient person, and Chan kind of hated him a little (not really) for not saying anything and for not asking him anything. He didn’t even comment on the fact that Chan had spent more and more time at Minho’s place than he did in his own in the past week, and on the fact that he hadn’t gone to the café either where he knew Changkyun and Jamie were probably waiting for him.

He was glad that finals week was over and that meant no more classes to attend to, and no chances of running into Changkyun or Jamie in either of their shared classes. He didn’t want to talk to them, and in fact he felt like he didn’t want anything to do with them.

Minho didn’t say anything either. When Chan had been spending more time in his apartment, he seemed to enjoy it at first. But Chan knew that Hoseok probably talked to Minho about his current odd behavior, and now he was dealing with worried looks, and unasked questions every time they cuddled in the couch or made out in Minho’s bed.

Chan didn’t want to face reality, although he’d told himself numerous times that he was going to or that he already was. He just wanted to forget everything about what happened that night with Jamie, and just focus on the now. If he could bury everything in the past, then he would. That was why he just focused on making Minho feel good.

They were on Minho’s bed again, Chan straddling the other as their mouths were moving against each other in a feverish and urgent state. Minho’s hands were strong against his hips, fingers were tracing the skin under his shirt, and Chan gripped on Minho’s hair tight enough to hurt just a slight (which he found out Minho liked at some point during their time together.) Minho was groaning ang gasping against Chan’s mouth, and Chan enjoyed how his boyfriend was breathing out his name every time he’d pull away to nip at his jaw and neck. He could tell Minho enjoyed it too since he could feel it poking him.

He broke away again, earning a small whine from Minho. He pulled away just enough to take his shirt off, which Minho watched with glazed eyes and his mouth slightly ajar. He brushed his lips against his Minho’s softly. Once. Twice. Until Minho’s hands forcefully pushed Chan’s head down to kiss him fervently. Chan chuckled, “I want your shirt off.”

Minho chuckled this time. “You sure that’s a good idea?” he asked, brushing his lips against Chan every other second.

Chan tugged at the hem of Minho’s shirt and Minho finally complied. Chan felt Minho’s hands roam at his sides and his chest.

“Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Minho breathed. Chan hummed in appreciation and did his own exploring. His hands played with tan skin and settled on the other’s abdomen where he could feel the result of what he assumed were countless hours perfecting a choreography. He grew bolder by moving his hand a little further to play at the strings of Minho’s sweatpants. He experimentally rolled his hips against Minho’s, achieving an instant response.

Minho had made a sound at the back of his throat that sound like the in between of a moan and a choke. “Chan.”

Chan chuckled as he continued grinding against Minho. He made sure to do it slowly. The other boy’s hands found its way to Chan’s hips again. “Shit, you feel so good, Min,” Chan gasped. “I want to feel you,” he said, placing open mouthed kisses on Minho’s jaw and neck, and puling at his hair.

There was a distant ringing somewhere in the room. Chan tried to ignore it, and tried not think about whose phone it was ringing exactly. He continued placing marks on Minho’s neck, and continued to roll his hips slowly, but the incessant ringing had pushed Minho into suddenly coming up to his shoulders to gently push him away.

“Chan, Channie, we need to check th—.” Minho wasn’t able to finish what he was about to say since Chan immediately went back to kissing him on the mouth. He pulled away instantly and placed gentle but firm hands on Chan’s shoulders.

The ringing wouldn’t stop. “Ignore it,” Chan said, trying to pull at Minho’s hair again since he liked it so much.

“I can’t, it might be work.”

Seeing that Minho had seriously wanted to check the ringing, whosever it was. Chan groaned in frustration and rolled himself away from Minho. The brown-haired boy immediately stood up from the bed and went to the living room where they both left their phones at.

Chan didn’t want to be jealous of a phone whose attention was deemed more important by his own boyfriend.

The ringing stopped and he could hear Minho’s voice answering the phone. Apparently the ringing was from Minho’s phone. Knowing that the mood was off and Chan was probably going to will his boner away or jerk off, so he got up from the bed and looked for his shirt which he just threw somewhere in the heat of the moment.

“It was your brother,” Minho said, after Chan walked into the living room just in time for Minho to finish his phone call. Chan unsuccessfully hid a scowl upon hearing that. “He wants you to come home,” Minho added.

“What’d he say?” Chan asked.

Minho gently threw his phone at the couch. “He sounded pissed, Chan. And not the seething kind, it’s the quiet ‘I’m sick of this shit’ kind.” Minho said it with the same undertones.

“No he’s not, he’d call me if he wanted me to,” Chan said, tried chuckling it away.

“He would if you’d actually answer,” Minho said. “And you should go home. It’s not because I don’t want you here, I just,” he let a hand through his hair in uncertainty. “It’s clear that you’re not okay.”

Chan frowned. “I’m okay, Minho. I just need to be alone for a while.”

“And how long is a while?” Minho asked. He looked genuinely frustrated now. “I’ve kept up with whatever this is, Chan. I’ve been walking around it for about a week and if nobody is telling me what is going on then it’s better you leave and sort it out with the people who do know. Or better yet, talk it out with people you actually trust to talk to.”

“Minho, that’s silly, I do trust you! You’re not kicking me out, are you?”

“Yes, Chan, I am.” Minho looked him in the eye, his tone stone-cold. “And to be really honest, I don’t think you do trust me. Otherwise you wouldn’t be treating me the way that you do.”

“’The way that I do?’”

“Yes. I’ve always been just a distraction from whatever it is you’re going through. Don’t look at me like that, it’s the truth and you know it. I didn’t say anything because I thought I was cool with it, maybe you’d be willing to tell me at some point. But I’ve honestly had enough and I’d rather have you fuck off than continue using me like a band-aid.” Minho shot him an angry look before walking back to his room.

Chan sighed and followed him. Minho was putting on a shirt. “You’re right,” he said, feeling shittier than before. There he was thinking about his own bitter heartbreak that he didn’t realize how he was putting Minho through the same thing. Fuck, he thought, cursing at himself. He had really messed up this time, and this was something he couldn’t even blame Jamie for.

Minho ignored him as he sat down heavily on his bed. Chan sat down beside him, making sure there was enough space between them.

“I’ll call Hoseok later,” Chan said after a bit of silence between them, just trying to think about what to say. “I’m sorry,” he settled, and looking at Minho. “I’m sorry,” he said again, reaching for Minho and placing a tentative hand on his back. Minho tensed but didn’t push him away.

“I’ll tell you…because I trust you. But please, promise me you won’t get mad…not immediately anyway…Just…hear me out before you say anything?”

Chan was nervous, not just because he was going to tell him everything. He was nervous because he was about to break a heart, confirm all Minho’s feelings and Chan hated how obvious he had been all this time—his feelings for Jamie, and his obvious intentions towards Minho. Regardless, another heart was about to broken, and Chan just wished he could have prevented everything. What he could control at least was the impact. The best he could do was give Minho something Jamie didn’t: the least painful way. Chan counted the seconds before Minho looked at him and slowly faced Chan.

“Okay.”


	4. part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited.

|||

An average person would always have a hard time swallowing the fact that they’ve fucked up. In Chan’s case, he acknowledges that he’s been a shit person lately, but of course he couldn’t quite get around accepting himself as such. He’d like to believe he was a nice person, or at least he tries to be. He’s not an angel, that’s for sure, but he’d like to think he was someone on the nice spectrum. The fact that he had treated the people who cared for him the most the way that he did, was something that Chan was beginning to weigh in his conscience. He knew that he had to face them eventually.

Minho hadn’t wanted to talk to him after Chan basically confirmed the other man’s insecurities, and Chan couldn’t blame him. Before leaving Minho’s apartment, he had promised to give the other man some space, and could only apologize profusely when he finally left. Chan had indeed called his older brother that he’d be coming home, and Chan couldn’t stop thinking about the look of hurt and disappointment Minho was expressing even when he stepped into his shared apartment with Hoseok. His older brother, contrary to his expectations, was waiting in the living room with his laptop resting on his thighs, and was in fact looking serene and focused

Chan walked into the living room and took a seat on the love seat across the couch, where Hoseok was currently watching his younger brother with analyzing eyes. Chan knew that Hoseok was either thinking about what to say or assessing Chan’s own emotional and mental state before saying anything. Hoseok was always so considerate that way, going so far in thinking about his younger brother before getting properly angry. Chan didn’t like it sometimes. He felt like he deserved a slap or a punch in the face, and a good scolding. Hoseok was definitely capable of doing either, or both.

Chan had his head hung low as he waited for his brother to say something. He wanted Hoseok to get angry at him, if not to feel any more self-deprecating than he already was. It was shitty to feel sorry for oneself, but emotions were just as real as breathing, and maybe, just maybe, he was valid in feeling like that. In fact, everyone he had ignored for the past week had been valid in getting angry at him. Minho’s feelings were definitely valid. But Chan had to remember that feeling sorry for himself wasn’t always the right thing.

Hoseok placed his laptop on the coffee table. And when it became clear that it was futile to wait for the older man to break the silence, so Chan exhaled deeply, sounding a bit shaky. “I’m sorry.”

His older brother didn’t say anything, but looked at Chan in the eyes, as if waiting for him to add anything. Hoseok was intimidating if he wanted to be, and Chan just braced himself for the confrontation.

“You’re going to tell me everything, right now, and no restrictions. I don’t want you censoring yourself or even sugar coating any details. I won’t look at you any differently,” his older brother said when he realized Chan struggled to find the rights words or even know where to start. “I just want to understand what’s going on before I say anything, and I have a lot to say. I don’t want to say anything that might hurt you, and believe me, that’s the last thing I want to do.”

Chan took another shaky breath. “Okay.”

And so, he did, for the second time that day. Only he didn’t reevaluate the words he was going to say or skip some details like he did with Minho when he didn’t want to hurt him more than he already was. Hoseok listened intently, and even invited Chan to sit beside him just to comfort him when he began telling him about what had happened with Jamie that last time they had spoken.

In the end, Hoseok pulled his brother for a hug. “I’m not gonna lie, but you could’ve handled things better, you idiot.”

“I know,” Chan said so softly and buried his face on his brother’s chest like he used to when they were younger. It was stupid really, he was a grown man and here he was acting childish; burrowing his face into his older brother’s arms and pretending that it was everything to protect him from the world. But like what Hoseok said to him years ago, sadness made people do and feel weird things.

“And that was an asshole thing to do. You should’ve talked to me in the beginning, and you know that, don’t you? And with Minho…he definitely did not deserve to be treated the way you did. I raised you better than that, Bang Chan.”

Chan just nodded, finally pulling away from his brother and curling on himself instead, wrapping his arms around his knees.

“I get that your initial reaction was to avoid Jamie, but that shouldn’t be the same reason to avoid Changkyun too. All he did was feel insecure about himself. And Jamie only said what she said because she was hurt and upset, and I’m guessing more at herself than anything. Running away is easy, but it’s not always the appropriate thing to do.” Hoseok said, bending just a bit to look at Chan, who was staring at the floor.

“You were hurt, I understand, but remember what happened when you didn’t tell me about those bullies years ago? We could’ve saved a lot of time and hurt if you told me about them at the get go. You can talk to me, Chan, you know that. You’ve always come to me, and honestly, I’m frustrated and a bit offended you think I wouldn’t understand you this time. And you went ahead and ignored me like Jamie and Changkyun, which I don’t think I deserve as well.” He affectionately reached out to place a hand on Chan’s shoulder. Chan looked at him briefly.

“Yeah…I’m sorry,” he said, like a child properly reprimanded, and hid his face on his knees in shame.

Hoseok sighed. “I don’t know why you didn’t trust me with this, but that’s the least of the issue. Jamie and Changkyun have been in the café and asking how you are. I like company, I really do, but it got annoying when they asked the same question over and over again, when I told them exactly that I didn’t know. What are you planning to do now?”

Chan shrugged, his face still hidden. “I just want to hide away and not see them again. But I know you won’t let me.”

“Damn right, you might be willing to let a perfectly good friendship go to waste, but I won’t let you. These things happen, and it sucks, but you can’t just keep ignoring them because you can’t face your feelings,” Hoseok said, gently shaking his brother.

Chan bit his lip, looking up, his lower face still hidden. He was staring at the screen of Hoseok’s laptop which remained on the coffee table. The older man was apparently crunching numbers.

“What do I tell them?” he asked after a few seconds of contemplation. “It’ll just be awkward and we might end up not talking in the end,” he sighed.

“You don’t seem to give them enough credit. They value you more than you do them. And even if it did come to that, can’t you at least say you’ve tried? I mean, don’t you want to keep them around?”

“Of course, I do. I just…don’t know how. How do you stay friends with someone who rejected you, and with someone who apparently feels inferior around you?”

“It’s simple, really. You try. You make an effort. And if it doesn’t work out, at least you won’t be wondering about the what-if’s later on. They’re important to you and you owe it to them and yourself to try and make it work. Isn’t that the foundation of every relationship ever?”

Chan groaned, burying his face on his knees again. “Sure, but I don’t even know… I mean, Jamie and Changkyun aren’t the only people I have to make things right with. Minho... he… All I can think about right now is how much of an asshole I was, and it’s frustrating because I’m not entirely sure if it’s just guilt talking or something else.”

Hoseok stared at him for a while, and Chan looked up when his older brother didn’t say anything. There he was again, Chan thought, probably psychoanalyzing him or something. Either way, it was unnerving when Hoseok started looking at you with that particular gaze, and you never knew what he was thinking.

“I’ll tell you what,” Hoseok said after a moment. “You’re gonna have to think about that on your own. Meanwhile, you’re going to at least text Jamie and Changkyun that you’re fine. It’s up to you when you’ll talk to them, but if you drag this too long, I’m locking you up in a closet along with the rest of them, and I literally won’t let you out even for a piss until you talk it out.”

His older brother stood up from the couch and took his laptop with him. “I ordered some chicken, and there’s some chocolate croissants in the kitchen. Go wash up, you look like you haven’t eaten properly.”

Chan could only smile at his brother gratefully. “Really hyung, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’d be an orphan with no friends,” Hoseok said with a straight face. “Now go.”

|||

Chan was scared. He had in fact, mustered enough courage to text Jamie and Changkyun that he was fine, as advised by Hoseok, but he immediately followed it up by saying he can’t meet them soon. It was probably the best, but Jamie said she understood, and Changkyun replied with a ‘cool.’ Hoseok expected him to take this time off the world to reflect on himself and on his relationships, instead of hiding away like last time.

Chan honestly didn’t know where to start, and somehow his mind just always drifted off to Minho and whether or not he was doing okay. He wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t think about texting Minho, just to check up on him. The last thing he wanted to do was confuse the other boy, but if he was going to be honest with himself, he ended up confusing himself instead.

In the end, Chan didn’t have to wait too long. There was a knock on his door a few days after talking with Minho, and Chan went to answer it since his brother was out in the café, as usual. He was surprised to find Minho standing on front of the door, his face unreadable. Chan visibly swallowed.

“Minho,” he breathed, his fingers tightening his hold on the doorknob. The other man didn’t look bad, which Chan was happy to see, but it lacked that heart-warming smile Minho always greeted him with. It was a surprise to find him here, but unsurprising that Minho was still pissed at him.

“We need to talk,” Minho said, walking passed him and into the apartment. Minho had only been in their apartment once, and that was when Hoseok was away on one of his dates with Hyungwon.

Chan took a deep breath and sighed shakily before he closed the door. He mentally prepared himself for the conversation that will basically make or break whatever he and Minho had left. He hid his hands inside his pockets in a show of courage. “Do you want anything before we start? Hoseok was experimenting on some new cookies, I could make a plate for you.”

Minho was standing in the middle of the living room. He looked at Chan and shook his head. “I’m not staying for long,” he said. “But thanks.”

“Okay, umm,” Chan awkwardly stood on the doorway to the living room. “You’re not at work,” he said, subtly attempting to prolong the uncertainty.

“No,” Minho said tersely. “Sit with me.”

“Okay,” Chan relented and finally walked deeper into the living room. He wished that he at least brought a glass of water for the both of them, just so he can have something to distract himself with. He watched Minho take a seat on the dark blue couch Hoseok had bought when he moved them into the city. Chan followed and made sure to maintain some appropriate distance between them.

Minho noticed the gap between, and to Chan’s surprise the former moved closer, reducing the distance significantly. Against his better judgment, Chan felt more nervous, but for an entirely different reason. Minho was close enough for him to get a whiff of his chocolatey scent, and the way the other man begun looking into Chan’s eyes made his insides all gooey and fluttery.

Chan realized something that moment. He realized three things really. The first was that he had actually missed Minho and that he was genuinely happy the other man was willing to talk to him. The second was that he really did like Minho, despite his initial intentions in pursuing a relationship with him. And that third, he _didn’t_ want Minho to break up with him.

It was three small epiphanies that gave him the courage to look back at Minho and hold his gaze. He kind of hoped that his thoughts and feelings bled through, and that Minho could read it off him, but that was too much to ask. If communication worked that way, maybe people were saved from awful misinterpretations and misunderstandings. He opened his mouth to break the silence, but Minho beat him to it.

“Do you know how happy I was when you started reciprocating my advances?” Minho asked with his lips curling at the ends, just a ghost of a smile.

Chan was a bit taken aback from the statement, not really expecting Minho to lead with that.

“I definitely wasn’t subtle when I first approached you,” Minho added. “You seemed so distant and unavailable, you know? But I thought I might give it a try. There was no shame in doing so anyway. When you blushed the first time I caught you staring, I thought there was a tiny chance, and I was just waiting for the moment.”

“I did think you were hot,” Chan said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Minho smiled and continued, “But you didn’t really plan on acting on it, did you?”

“No,” Chan said truthfully. “I really didn’t want to because I thought there was still the slight chance that Jamie would eventually start taking me seriously. But that was before Changkyun asked her out first.”

The other man nodded. “What made you decide to spend time with me?”

It was easy really. “It was when I realized everyone I cared about started dating, and I got scared that I might get left behind. You were there and so I just jumped on the chance.”

“So, I was the convenient choice,” Minho said it so casually.

“Fuck, when you say it like that it makes me want to punch myself,” Chan groaned, burying his face on his hands. “You’re not something that I can just utilize and throw away, but I treated you like it anyway. You’re not convenient, Minho. You’re beautiful, and you’re everything. You didn’t deserve that, not for liking someone like me.”

Minho exhaled shakily. “I guess it’s partially my fault too.”

Chan looked at the other man, frowning at the thought that Minho would blame himself. Before he could protest Minho held his hand. “I let you use me. In some way anyway. I knew that there was something odd with the way you suddenly wanted attention, or the way you clung to me every chance you got. You got handsy even after just a few dates, and I didn’t say anything because it felt so nice just having someone as beautiful as you wanting me around.”

Minho ended up intertwining their fingers together, letting their hand lie on the small gap between them. “I should’ve done something earlier when Hoseok started relaying me things to tell you, or when either Jamie or Changkyun, sometimes both, would just drop into the café to ask me how you are or where you’ve been. I knew something was wrong, and that you were clearly running away from it.

“I got greedy and enabled you in running away from your problems. It just came back to bite me in the ass.”

Minho surprised Chan when he let go of his hand and move to lay his head on Chan’s lap, wrapping his arms around his lower body. “I know that I’m supposed to stay away from you, have my thoughts straightened out before deciding what to do, but the only thing my mind can comprehend is the fact that I like you too much and that I’ve been missing you. I just had to see you. I don’t want you to hate me.”

Chan leaned down to hug Minho, as best as his position could. “What are you talking about, Minho? I can’t hate you. I hurt you too much to even try. I treated you less than human, I can’t overlook that even if we were both at fault. If anything, it’s you who should be hating me.”

Minho sat up to hug Chan properly, his arms wrapping around the curly haired boy’s waist and Chan returning the gesture by wrapping his arms around Minho’s shoulders. “I don’t hate you. I just want to be with you, and it’s stupid considering everything you’ve done.”

“Is it even more stupid when I feel the same? I want to work on this together with you, Minho. I want to make it right by you. It’s selfish, because you deserve so much better, but I want to be someone deserving of you.”

“I guess we’re both stupid, because I don’t want anyone else,” Minho laughed self-deprecatingly. “You don’t even feel the same for me, for all I know it’s just your conscience talking.”

“Minho,” Chan said letting. He cupped Minho’s face with both of his hands and leaned in, their noses touching. He looked straight into his eyes to let him know he was absolutely serious about what he was going to say. “I won’t lie to you and say I don’t feel anything for Jamie anymore. But I can honestly tell you that I choose you. I want you. I will make a promise to you, right now, I will never give you room to doubt by telling you how I feel. I promise you, I will only say it if you trust me enough to hear it.”

Minho breathed shakily, and closed his eyes. He leaned his forehead against Chan’s. “Fuck, I don’t want to cry.”

Chan placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe I was too dumb to actually see it.”

Minho opened his eyes. His hand went to his face to hold Chan’s. Being this close, Chan could see how Minho’s lip trembled in an attempt to hold back tears. “Please don’t make me regret this.”

Chan placed soft kisses all over the other man’s face. “I won’t. God, I won’t. Not if I can help it.”

|||

Meeting Changkyun before he could prepare himself for the confrontation was definitely not what Chan expected when he went out of the apartment for the first time in days. He was on his way for a quick grocery-run since Hoseok let him know Hyungwon was coming over for dinner the next day. Lo and behold, Changkyun was in the same grocery store, checking out the frozen goods section.

At first Changkyun didn’t see him and Chan had half the mind to turn around and quickly buy his stuff. But he suddenly heard Hoseok’s voice threatening him to lock him inside a closet if he dragged the confrontation too long. Chan sighed and put on his metaphorical big boy pants. It was probably a sign to do it anyway. (Chan had to wonder when he let his decisions be navigated through whatever the cosmos threw at him, but then again, he didn’t really have a good track record for actually doing something first.)

“You do know that the marinated meats are the unhealthiest option there?” Chan asked over Changkyun’s shoulder. His friend was about to grab the said product when he jumped hearing Chan’s voice.

“Holy shit,” Changkyun looked at him with wide eyes. “Is that how you talk to someone you’ve been ignoring for more than a week?”

There wasn’t any malice in the way he said it, which was a good sign. Chan smiled apologetically at Changkyun. “I had to get my head out of my ass.”

“Mm,” Changkyun hummed. “Uh, how are you then? Glad your head is in the right place.”

Chan chuckled, “I almost bolted when I saw to be honest.”

“Why didn’t you?” Changkyun asked, transferring the basket to his other hand. “I honestly wouldn’t have minded. Well, I wouldn’t know that you did, but objectively, I wouldn’t.”

“I want to keep my head in the right place, I guess,” Chan rubbed his nape. “You doing good?” he asked after a while. They were just staring at some products on the shelves and not knowing what to say to each other. “It’s just last time I’ve heard, you and Jamie had a fight.”

Changkyun nodded, chewing on his cheek. “We should talk about it somewhere else. Preferably somewhere I can’t gag on the smell of raw meat.”

It was indeed a weird place to have, what Chan expected to be, a serious conversation. And it was one thing he would prefer in a more comfortable setting. They both decided to head to check out, and it was awkward having to carry their groceries around while they walked towards the nearest café. Chan was only thankful he didn’t buy anything that could thaw or melt. Once they had ordered and were seated somewhere relatively hidden from most eyes inside the café, Chan struggled on what to say.

This was why he had to mentally prepare himself before actually deciding to talk to either Changkyun or Jamie. He felt like a character in a video game where he had to face an enemy one level higher than the previous ones, until he finally reached the boss battle. But he realized that each confrontation was something that you don’t ever actually get prepared for especially in terms of emotional and mental capacity. No amount of character stats, armor and weapon level, or even upgrades were going to prepare someone for something as unpredictable as emotions.

But then Changkyun was a different story altogether. While Minho was collateral damage from making bad decisions, Changkyun never actually hurt Chan intentionally, nor did anything for Chan to warrant that one week of ignoring text messages and calls. Hoseok was right, Changkyun had only got into this mess simply because he was insecure, and somewhat the driving force for Jamie to reject Chan cruelly, and somewhat lay the blame of their falling out on him.

Insecurity was tricky, Chan had a fair share of it and Jamie certainly had her own despite her body positive assertions. Objectively, no one had actual reason to feel insecure, and it often just sprung a feeling evoked from other people. Chan thought Changkyun was extremely lucky that he was able to catch Jamie’s attention and have her like him. Jamie was an adventurous soul after all.

“I should apologize first,” Changkyun started. “Jamie told me what happened between you, and I’m aware that it had a lot to do with what I felt. It was kind of unfair for you to suddenly feel like you were responsible for that. I’m sorry Jamie felt like she had to tell you all those things, but it definitely was not meant to drive you away, and I’m kind of sorry for somehow making you the bad guy.”

Chan didn’t understand why people were being gentle with their confrontations with him. Hoseok was always gentle no matter how angry he was, and Minho had wanted to be honest. Their drinks came before he could reply and they thanked their server with small smiles.

“Thanks, I guess,” Chan said, playing with the straw of his drink. “Though I didn’t really see this conversation with you apologizing for something you couldn’t control.”

“I’m mainly apologizing for Jamie. She did you dirty, and like you said, she took something you couldn’t control and threw it at your face. It wasn’t cool, and I called her out for it.”

“You guys didn’t fight again because of my stupidity, did you?” Chan asked, already feeling so much regret for putting his closest friends in so much trouble.

Changkyun shrugged. “We did. But we talked it out eventually: me being insecure and her being a bit inconsiderate to other people’s feelings.”

Chan nodded. “I don’t want to talk about her at the moment, actually. I wanted to apologize to you too.”

“For avoiding me for a week although I didn’t really deserve it?” Changkyun smiled as he drank from his drink.

“Yeah, that,” Chan chuckled, ruffling his curly hair. “I thought about it really, and Hoseok basically told me I had been unfair to you. I’m sorry, Kyun. I acted on impulse, and a bad trip on emotions.”

The brown-haired boy leaned on his chair, putting his drink down on the table. “It’s fine. I was never pissed or anything, I didn’t even get offended. It just was weird especially when me and Jamie talked about you a lot, trying to make sense of things. And to be very honest,” Changkyun met Chan’s eyes. “I was insecure about Jae and Eric more than I was about you.”

“She does talk about them a lot, doesn’t she?” Chan said, thinking about the times she and Jamie hang out. “I’m sorry you felt that way.”

Changkyun shrugged. “I knew she was friends with a lot of people, and most of them were guys. I don’t mind it, I really don’t, but it began to feel like I was sharing her with a lot of people. I didn’t want to be mean and selfish by telling her not to hang out with them. That would have reflected badly on me, regardless of my feelings.”

“Hey, it’s okay for you to feel like that. You’re entitled to ask her to spend more time with you, Kyun. She did choose to date you, didn’t she?”

His friend chuckled. “That’s the same thing she said, but words can’t easily heal something that’s been left untreated for a while.”

“That’s true, but she knew about it, didn’t she? She told me that you’ve always been unsure especially with me. Is it because I’m the only one you know who has feelings for her? You told her that if I had asked her to leave you, she’d do just that. Jamie told me I wasn’t subtle about my feelings for her, but she went with you even if she knew about it.”

Changkyun smiled sadly. “Trust me, I didn’t know. I’m not good at reading people, at least, not emotionally anyway. I only knew you liked her when she told me, and I would honestly have backed off if I knew.”

“Don’t do that to yourself Changkyun,” Chan said wanting to reach out. “It’s not easy to confront yourself, but don’t think you don’t deserve happiness.” Chan smiled encouragingly at his companion. “Did Jamie tell you everything about what happened that day?”

Changkyun shook his head. “I don’t know. All I know is that you talked about me and, that she basically forced you to confess your feelings.”

“I asked her,” Chan said, making sure to keep eye contact with the boy on front of him. “That if I had asked her out before you did, would she have said yes. And you know what she said?”

Changkyun didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes on Chan. “She said she wouldn’t have, that she’d turn me down because she didn’t see me that way. She never has, and she never will, Kyun.”

The older boy seemed to have held his breath as he only responded with a deep sigh. Changkyun looked away, staring off into nothing and probably letting the words take effect into his brain.

“Thanks for telling me,” was all he said after a while. Chan only smiled as they continued to finish their drinks.

There was only Jamie left, Chan thought as Changkyun began to tell him about this Filipino restaurant he found out about to lighten the mood.


	5. part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been edited.

|||

Chan’s hands were sweaty. He couldn’t wipe them dry on his jeans because both his hands were holding a big bag filled with cookies and other pastries Minho had baked. When he told his boyfriend that he was ready to talk to Jamie, he didn’t really expect Minho to go all out in support by baking a lot. Chan had already dropped two bags of pastries at the apartment where Hoseok and Hyungwon was hanging out for the day, and he had eaten his fill of cookies for a week probably. He didn’t know if it was Minho’s way of telling him it’d be okay, or maybe another bout of stress-baking on Chan’s behalf.

He barely managed to knock on Jamie’s apartment door, and when he heard footsteps from the inside indicating that someone was on their way to answer the door Chan prepared himself. He suddenly had a surge of déjà vu since this was also where he had last spoken to Jamie. He didn’t know if it was fitting or not, but he had wanted to approach Jamie on his terms. Sure, he probably should have warned her beforehand, but he was too busy trying to formally arrange what he wanted to say in his head.

The door opened and Jamie poked her head outside. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw it was him. She had her hair tied up in a bun, barely held together by a pencil, and Chan had to wonder what kind of physics she had to apply to get the pencil to stick in the first place. He was also surprised to find she changed her hair color again. He had seen her last with purple hair, now she sported a two-toned black and brown. The difference was drastic, but he thought she looked pretty just the same.

“Chan?” she breathed.

“Hi,” Chan greeted. He waved the bag in the air. “Surprise delivery of cookies and muffins,” he added, smiling at Jamie.

She stood there for a while, alternately looking at his face and the bag of pastries, before she jumped to wrap her arms around his neck instantly pulling him down for a hug. He slowly returned her hug, although he only managed with one hand since he had to keep the pastries from falling on the floor.

“I’m so, so sorry, Chan. I didn’t know why I said all those things. I’m so sorry,” she gasped, her face buried in the crook of his neck.

Chan patted her back gently. “Let’s talk about it inside, yeah? You’re going to squish the pastries,” he chuckled and she only tightened her grip before letting go.

“Sorry,” she said, stepping backward.

Chan extended the bag to her. “Here, Minho worked hard on them.”

Jamie accepted them with a small smile. She made space for Chan to come in.

Jamie’s laptop was propped open on the coffee table, a familiar blue notebook was lying beside it with scribbles and numerous pen scratches. Jamie placed the paper bag inside the kitchen and later joined Chan in the living room.

“I was making a sign-off playlist for the station,” she explained the mess. “I’m almost finished with it.”

“Do you mind if I check?” he asked, genuinely curious. Jamie always asked suggestions for the playlists she made. She nodded and picked up the blue notebook, handing it to him. Chan didn’t know a lot about making playlists, and he knew that there was definitely some sort of system to it. He was a simple man, however, in a way that if he liked a song he’d suggest people to listen to it.

“Chan,” Jamie took the notebook away after Chan had commented on a song or two. “You didn’t really come here after almost two weeks to help me make playlists, did you?”

Chan sighed. “No, I didn’t.” Chan let himself to a chair. “Jihyo’s not here is she?”

“No, she’s staying over at her boyfriend’s tonight. You don’t have to worry about her listening in on us or something.”

“I was asking because I didn’t really want to formally confess to you with someone else in the apartment.”

Jamie looked at him with a slight frown. “What do you mean?”

“I know what it sounds like, Jamie. But I didn’t really get a choice last time. I may not have said it explicitly, but the reveal was there and I wasn’t prepared for it, nor was I prepared for a rejection even if it came as no surprise. It hurt regardless.”

Jamie looked unsure with herself. “I didn’t mean to throw it at you. I was upset with how I treated Kyun and I took it out on you. I was wrong, and I’m really sorry for that. I can’t say it enough. But I can’t return your feelings, Chan. Changkyun and I are still together, and I don’t think it’s fair to Minho.”

Chan chuckled. “You misunderstood me, Jamie. I’ve never actually voiced my feelings for you out loud, not to anyone. I’m not saying it now because I want to be with you. I’m saying it now because I’ve accepted them, and all the facts that come with it. I’m in love with you, but you’re with someone else. I’m in love with you but you’re not, and you never will be. I’m in love with you even if I know I’ll be happier with another person. I’m in love with you even if I don’t want to.”

He walked to where Jamie remained standing in the middle of the living room. He took her hand in his. “I’m in love with you but I’m ready to let that go.”

Jamie stared at him, cheeks pink in embarrassment (he probably mirrored it too) with such a dramatic way of confessing.

“Fuck,” Jamie gasped. “If I weren’t whipped for Changkyun, I might’ve had swooned at that.”

“What do you mean ‘might have’?” Chan frowned. “I just embarrassed myself and you’re making fun of me.”

“Because,” Jamie let his hand go and gently pushed at his chest. “You almost had me there, suddenly confessing your feelings for me. I was afraid you’d ask me to go out on date with you or something.”

“You wouldn’t have said yes anyway,” Chan said, smiling a bit. “On a serious note, Jamie, whatever issues you’ve been dealing at that point, it wasn’t cool the way you handled it.”

Jamie sighed. “You talked to Changkyun?”

“Yeah, I did. It was to get some bit of perspective, I guess.”

Jamie threw herself on the sofa. “I acted like a bitch,” she said. “I didn’t know where Changkyun was basing all his insecurities from, and I tried really hard to appease them. But you get to a point where you can’t have someone keep depending on you to make themselves feel better.”

“So, you snapped at him, told him that he wasn’t ever going to be enough,” Chan said, sitting down next to Jamie. She had started fingering the throw blanket lying on the back rest.

“I didn’t say it like that, but…it was along the lines,” Jamie sighed again. “I just wanted him to know that there will always be someone better than him, and that sometimes it was okay to be just you. I clearly didn’t get the message across and I ended up hurting him.”

“And then you called me. What for exactly? Were you looking for comfort? A shoulder to cry on? Or were you looking for someone to blame? Someone to make you feel better about yourself?”

“Feelings are complicated. I’m sure you’re well aware of that. I didn’t know what I wanted when I called you. Maybe it was just for the sake of a calmer atmosphere. You’ve always had that trait about you, you know. You tend to make people more relaxed around you.” She smiled at him but looked away. “But then you were there looking so, I don’t know, so fond? I didn’t really know why I deserved that, why you still saw me as a good person despite the fact that I was being a bitch to my own boyfriend whom arguably I should be the nicest to. You liked me so much that you were willing to just oversee how much of an ugly person I actually am just to make me feel better about myself.”

She met his gaze, “I don’t hold that against you, that’s actually why people like you so much. You just see the good in people regardless of whatever they’ve done, to you or to other people in general. But it’s infuriating sometimes.”

She sighed for the nth time, “I guess what I wanted to hear was some sort of call out, a reality check. But I guess you did when you suddenly didn’t want to see me or Changkyun. I was an asshole even to the kindest person I’ve known. And for that, I don’t think I’ll ever be sorry enough.”

Chan smiled softly at her. He reached out to take her hand and rubbed comforting circles on her skin with his thumb. “We were both assholes, I think. You’re probably gonna hate me for this, but I’d like to think that whatever we’ve done is something we can’t not ever atone for. We can always try apologizing and as long as we want to change, that’s all anybody can hope for. People can hold onto grudges and to their anger, but that’s not something you can change. You’ve done what you can, and I have done mine. And I think we’ve come out of it relatively unscathed.”

“There you are again, being so…Chan,” she chuckled sadly. “And I don’t hate you. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now. Thank you.”

“Okay then. I’ve had a total of four very emotionally draining conversations in the past two weeks, and I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up for another one.”

Jamie laughed. “Then why don’t I prepare those pastries your boyfriend baked, and you tell me how wonderful he is.”

“Should I change into my pajamas and start braiding your hair?”

“Fuck off, Bang Chan.”

|||

Chan had called Minho over the apartment. He just wanted to see him after a few days of his boyfriend not having enough time to meet him in between doing last minute schoolwork and working extra hours at the café. Once Minho arrived, Chan couldn’t help pulling him into the apartment and pushing him against the door to just kiss him. Chan was a very clingy boyfriend, and Minho only laughed as he opened his mouth when his plump lips met his. The taller man licked his bottom lip before slipping his tongue inside Chan’s mouth. Chan moaned against the man’s mouth and welcomed the sensations that warmed his chest and everywhere Minho’s hands touched him.

Minho’s fingers were raking through his curly hair, which he didn’t really try to maintain, and his other hand was on his hip, touching the sliver of skin underneath Chan’s hoodie.

“I think I should make you miss me more often,” Minho said, breathing into Chan’s mouth.

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” Chan countered, letting his hand roam around Minho’s chest. He felt the vibrations on his chest when the taller man chuckled.

“I don’t know, I kind of like this side of you.”

“Well,” Chan pulled the taller man by the waist, pushing their bodies flush together. “You only needed to ask, babe.”

Minho gasped when Chan started biting and licking into the taller man’s neck. “I believe you have a bedroom, Channie,” Minho breathed, stifling a moan and barely suppressing his hips from moving against Chan’s.

Chan chuckled just beside his ear, before nibbling at his lobe and licking Minho’s lips. “I think I should make _you_ miss me more,” he repeated before snaking his hands under Minho’s thighs and lifting him up with little effort.

“Fuck,” Minho gasped, hiding his face on the crook of Chan’s neck.

“That’s the idea,” Chan smirked and carried Minho into his bedroom. It took them a while since Chan had pushed his boyfriend against the wall to make out with him. When they did reach Chan’s bedroom, he didn’t hesitate in throwing his boyfriend on the bed, and immediately take the rest of his clothes off.

Minho was hot as fuck, that Chan thought he wouldn’t be able hold on too long after he finally had him sprawled naked on his bed. He couldn’t get enough of his lips and Minho seemed to share the feeling.

Minho sounded so beautiful when he let out different variations of moans, as Chan worked him open. He was turning him on so much and when Chan told him this, the dancer flipped them so he was straddling Chan’s hips. With no warning whatsoever, he slowly sunk himself on Chan, and it felt _so_ good.

Chan, to his surprise, lasted longer than he thought he would.

Hours later, Chan was almost lying on top of Minho, who lay on his stomach while his curly-haired boyfriend drew things on the bare skin of his back. He had his eyes closed as he tried to make out the figures Chan drew with the tip of his finger. Chan didn’t have any figures in mind, just basking on Minho’s smooth and warm golden skin.

“Are you actually trying to tell me something, Chan?” Minho asked softly, humming at the soft ticklish touches.

“Not really,” Chan chuckled, leaning in to spread kisses on Minho’s back instead. “Though I think it speaks enough for how much I can’t stop touching you,” he said, smiling when Minho jumped when he slid his hands to Minho’s sides.

“You’re not trying to initiate another round, are you?” Minho asked, lifting his head in question. “Chan, we already went for like two,” he sounded scandalized. “And you dragged the first one way too long.”

Chan chuckled, using his leverage on Minho’s waist to turn him around slowly. “I’m not. Can you blame me for wanting to be close, though?” he said, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist and burying his head at Minho’s neck. He inhaled deeply, taking in Minho’s natural scent, who seemed to smell like chocolate wherever and whenever.

He felt the deep vibrations of Minho’s laugh, as his boyfriend wrapped his arms around him, hands finding its way to Chan’s hair and waist. “Not really,” he said, placing a kiss on Chan’s hair and sighing contentedly. “And you were trying to tell me something,” Minho added. “I just don’t think you were aware of it.”

Chan lifted his head to look at him. “And what was I unconsciously trying to relay? That you’ve made me so happy it’s no joke? Or that you make really good brownies? Or maybe that I do actually want to go for another round?”

Minho laughed, and kissed his forehead. “Just the one thing you told me you’d never say unless I asked you to,” Minho said, looking deep into Chan’s eyes.

Chan blinked, slowly lifting himself and resting his weight on his elbows to face Minho properly “Does it bother you?” he asked almost in a small voice.

“Chan,” Minho grabbed his face to kiss him deeply. “I want to hear it so badly from you, but I don’t want to hear it just yet. But it doesn’t bother me… I’m sorry.”

Chan leaned his forehead against Minho’s, basking in the closeness. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because it feels like I’m pressuring you,” Minho said, smiling at him warmly. “Although I know I should know better.”

Chan kissed him softly. “You’re only pressuring yourself, Min. I know what I feel, and I’ll wait.”

Minho pulled him back in for another kiss, tongue slipping between his plump lips and managed to pull a moan out of the curly-haired man.

“I know what I feel, and I love you,” Minho said against the other man’s, licking the plump bottom lip. “Thank you for choosing me.”

“I think I’ll choose you again and again, Minho,” Chan answered, firmly grabbing the other man’s waist before gasping into his boyfriend’s mouth.

Before Chan could let his hands wander further down Minho’s body, they distinctly heard the front door open followed by a pair of footfalls and a call of Chan’s name. They separated. Chan and Minho looked at each other with mild horror in their eyes, more so on Chan’s part.

“Chan! We brought chicken!” Hoseok called, his voice sounding dangerously close to Chan’s bedroom door. There was a knock. “Chan?”

Before the two could react, Chan’s bedroom door was pushed open. “Chan, are you aslee—oh shit,” Hoseok’s eyes were wide and his mouth slightly agape. “Uh, hello Minho.”

“Hi, boss,” Minho greeted dumbly, not being allowed to move since Chan had instantly buried his face in Minho’s chest when the bedroom door slid open.

“You could’ve told me you had a friend over, Chan,” Hoseok said, not making a move to close the door or leave them alone.

Chan just groaned against Minho’s chest. Minho slightly nudged his boyfriend to do something, anything really.

Hoseok laughed. “Well, I’ll give you guys enough time to clean up. Or finish whatever it is you were doing before we came in.”

“We?” Chan asked, finally lifting his head to look at his brother, figuring that there wasn’t really a point to be ashamed since he’s seen his brother in the same compromising situation many times before.

“Yeah, Hyungwon’s here, and we bought chicken from that place you like. Good thing too, since you’ve told me how much Minho likes fried chicken,” he smirked, mostly at Chan and sparing his employee the brunt of the teasing.

“Will you go now please?” Chan asked, grabbing his pillow and throwing it half-heartedly towards his brother.

Hoseok laughed again, finally taking a step back to close the door. “Fine. You’re more than welcome to join us, Minho. Hyungwon has been wanting to meet you, and to be quite honest, I kind of want to as well… you know, outside business?” The door closed with a soft click, and Chan and Minho ended up being alone again.

A few beats of silence passed before Minho gently pried his boyfriend from himself. “I think your brother wants to meet me. Formally, as your boyfriend.” Minho looked panicked, the calmer side of the panic spectrum anyway.

Chan sighed and sat up, looking at their scattered clothes all over the floor. “Then I think we need to clean up. I’ll lend you some clothes I guess.”

“Holy crap,” Minho collapsed on the bed. “This isn’t how I saw this day was going to go.”

Chan leaned down to kiss the other man again. “Come on, at least do it for the chicken.”

Minho looked at Chan and sat up again, suddenly looking serious. “Have you always talked to your brother about me?”

“Only after I stopped being an asshole to everyone. But yeah, he kind of demanded to know more about you, but I thought it was only to assess how I feel about you.”

“I think I should find a new job,” Minho sighed.

“Don’t be dramatic. As far as I know, Hoseok loves you already,” Chan kissed him again before jumping out of bed.

|||

The party was already mellowing down. Most of Hyungwon and Hoseok’s friends had already left after the cake and the presents were opened, only leaving Chan and his friends in the café to help out with the clean-up.

Hoseok had thrown a birthday party for Hyungwon in the café. He had invited Hyungwon’s friends, and had them participate in making it a surprise. Chan, Jamie and Changkyun was mostly busy decorating the café and helping with the food if they could. But to be quite honest, it was mostly Chan doing all the heavy work while the couple goofed around and played around with the balloons. Hoseok had Minho help him bake a cake and a few treats, which was a weird thing to witness on Chan’s part.

The two have grown closer despite the fact that they had to maintain two separate relationships. Minho was especially conflicted when he was asked to bake his boss’s boyfriend’s birthday cake, and more so when at the party, acting as both employee and boyfriend to his boss’s little brother. Chan knew it wasn’t easy in Minho’s part. Despite the fact that Minho and Hoseok liked each other, Minho really did want to show his older brother he was able to act professional when the time called for it. Chan made sure to give his boyfriend encouraging hugs and kisses when he looked particularly stressed.

The party had gone well. Hoseok had invited a lot of Hyungwon’s friends, and the café was semi-crowded when they all came in. Chan had to force Minho to sit down and eat, after he took on the role of server and continued to tend to people after they all got a plate of their own. He forced a plate on Minho who seemed worried over nothing, and even sat on his lap to make sure he sat down for even just a few minutes. It literally took Hoseok explicitly telling Minho to take a break did Chan’s boyfriend sag in exhaustion.

Hoseok had plugged in a karaoke machine, and the rest of the party was spent either singing hideous renditions of Beyonce (except that Kihyun dude who slayed an Imagine Dragons song), screaming trot songs, and rap battles (with which Chan and Changkyun took part of). Some dancing had also ensued, with which Chan was horrified and amused to see his older brother to take part of. Minho, regardless of how tired he was, for some reason, thought it would be fun to challenge his own boss to a dance battle. It was…something. And it ended up with a tie, since everyone decided they both slayed it.

One of Hyungwon’s friends, Jooheon, had approached Chan at some point in the night, and began telling him about seeing him and his group perform one time. He had a pleasant conversation out of that one, and a promise of a possible collab next time Jooheon was in town. Chan couldn’t wait to tell Jisung and Changbin about that one. They’d be working on a lot more songs anyway, now that Changbin was going to Seoul next academic year to start university. Jisung was salty about it, but resigned when Changbin promised they’d be roommates when he enrolls into university the next year.

After that, the guests began leaving one by one, until it was Hoseok, Hyungwon, Jamie, Changkyun, Minho and him left. No one seemed to have the energy to start cleaning up though.

Jamie and Changkyun were making most of the empty establishment and danced to girl group dances to the stereo that continued blasting them. Hoseok and Hyungwon were busily feeding each other more cake, and Chan had Minho’s head resting on his thighs. He raked his fingers through Minho’s brown hair, and massaged his crown when he got there. “You okay?” he asked.

“Today was tiring,” Minho said, sighing into Chan’s touch. “At least everyone liked the cake.”

“Everyone _loved_ the cake,” Chan corrected, affectionately rolling his eyes at his boyfriend. “And everything you baked, for that matter. Did you see how Hyunwoo just inhaled those tarts?” He could remember Hyungwon’s bear-like friend, return so many times to the food table to get most of the pastries. Everyone went back to the food table for more, because the food was good, and Chan was proud of Minho for being able to accomplish that.

Minho laughed. “If I hadn’t, I would only think you’re telling me all this just because you like me.”

Chan scratched at his head. “I’m saying it regardless of my feelings,” he smiled warmly at his boyfriend. Minho reached out to brush Chan’s hair out of his eyes. “You’re really good at what you do. And don’t think I didn’t see other people complementing you the same.”

“I mean, they said it was okay,” Minho shrugged, and Chan booped his nose.

“I swear, you’re so shy when it comes to your baking skills, but shameless when it comes to your dancing,” Chan chuckled.

“Well yeah, because at least I get the satisfaction of knowing I’ve turned you on after every dance practice and performance,” Minho teased, biting his lip for effect.

Chan pinched his boyfriend’s nose in response. “You do enjoy that, don’t you, you demon.”

Minho chuckled, and pursed his lips for a kiss which Chan gladly hunched over to give. “Am I still staying at your place tonight?” Chan asked, resuming his activity, running his fingers through Minho’s hair. He looked up to the dance floor to see Changkyun and Jamie slow dancing to a ballad, and Hoseok and Hyungwon joining in, he couldn’t help but smile, and then looked back at his boyfriend when he realized he didn’t answer his question.

Minho was looking at him, watching him really. “Minho?”

“Say it,” Minho said all of a sudden, reaching to brush his fingers against Chan’s cheek.

“Say what? That you’re good at baking? You’re amazing at it, Minho,” Chan returned the gesture and let his fingers touch Minho’s face.

Minho smiled. His thumb settled on Chan’s lower lip. “Chan, you promised.”

Chan returned the gesture, letting his fingers touch Minho’s bottom lip, prying it open just a bit. He leaned down to give him a soft kiss, eyes never leaving Minho’s.

“I love you.”

|||

End.


	6. author's note

Hello!  
  
I've now finished editing this story.   
  
For those who have finished it previously, I've edited some parts and dialogue, and extended the last part. Feel free to read it again or not hahaha  
  
I hope you liked this story, just as much I loved writing it. It used to be an original story which I posted in Wattpad years ago, and it was originally written to make sense of my own feelings and lack of emotional structure back then. I wasn't, and maybe still am, a bit lost when it comes to understanding emotions and feelings, mostly because I feel them so intensely that thinking about my actions or the consequences is the last thing I do.  
  
I find writing my feelings through other people or characters make it easier for me to understand them, and this story is dear to me in that regard. It was really a nice experience, and I guess the readers of this story got to share some part of me which I don't share too often.   
  
For new readers, thank you for reading and I appreciate you clicking away despite the simplistic summary. Feel free to comment and kudos, because that's the food of every writer in sites like this. If it weren't for one comment on this story, I wouldn't have had finished editing it anyway :DDD . But I also like to say hi to my fellow silent readers. I feel you, and I get you.  
  
Anyway, thank you again! And please stay safe and healthy. My love goes out for each and everyone of you.  
  
eden.


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